


The Healer and her Knight

by indigo_skye5



Series: The Healer and her Knight [1]
Category: starwars
Genre: 1st POV, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxious!Reader, Canon Divergence, Death, Doctor!Reader, Early in Canon, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Knights of Ren - Freeform, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Hugs, Kylo Ren gives pretty good hugs, Kylo Ren has a crush, Kylo Ren is awkward, Kylo Ren x Reader - Freeform, Medical stuff, Minor Character Death, Movie: Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Movie: Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Protective Kylo Ren, Reader Needs a Hug, Reader is awkward, Reader loves wine, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, Some medical stuff was inspired by Greys Anatomy, Traveling, Visions, a lot of both, hux is a jerk, kind of slow burn, reader POV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2019-11-13 07:25:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 40,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18027320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indigo_skye5/pseuds/indigo_skye5
Summary: I had always dreamed two things for my future. To travel the galaxy and to become a doctor. I never expected to become one and end up with a job on the Finalizer. Little did I know that I would also come face to face with love, danger, fear, and destiny. And it all started when I saved Kylo Ren’s life.





	1. Running late

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first fan fic! So a comment and kudos is appreciated! Please forgive any errors and enjoy my little contribution to the fandom. -Indigo 
> 
> PS: all bold type in text are messages shared through datapads.

_“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” Rose Kennedy_

 

       The caff machine in my quarters just poured into my portable mug as I hastily threw on my boots. I was running late for my next shift. I screwed the cap on quickly and grabbed a black hair band off the counter when my datapad chirped at me the second time this morning. It was from my supervisor.

 

        **Doctor Wichita: where are you? We have an incoming trauma coming in to the MedBay in less than ten minutes! We need you.**

      

      I panicked as I threw on my white lab coat and typed back out the door.

**Me: on my way!**

     

   Then I took a sip of my caff, closed it up, and ran across the Finalizer towards the medbay. I hoped that I would beat the trauma there. I had been a head doctor on this ship for the past two years. I was hired on by the First Order almost immediately after I graduated from the best medical school on Coruscant. I remember the day after graduation a man in a neat black suit and red hair coming to my dorm and offering me this impeccable role as a doctor for his starship. To any stranger, I would say that he’d had to convince my practical self to take the job. That it was too dangerous, but what most people don’t know is that I took the job with almost no hesitation. It meant I could travel the galaxy. What more can a girl who loved a sense of adventure could want.

       Well, the life I’ve had on the Finalizer, has been exciting, but my supervisor looked ready to kill me when I burst through the main doors of the medbay.

      “I’m here!” I yelled out towards him as I watched the nurses rush through the bay getting ready for the incoming trauma.

      Doctor Wichita, a pale green Twi’lek, didn’t even look up from his datapad and said, “wonderful you could make the trauma. Hurry up and get presentable. We have a VIP patient coming into trauma room 3. I need you on it.”

     I put down my almost finished caff behind the nurses station desk and threw my hair into a bun. “VIP? Is it a head of one of the departments? What’s the cause of the trauma?”

     “All I know is that it was from a highly classified mission from the Hoth system. No idea who the VIP is, but once he’s here he’s immediately to go to room 3. You are to attend to him. General Hux’s orders.” I nodded at him as I threw on some gloves and grabbed my best nurses for the VIP.

      “I need Vloni and Bek.” I yelled across the room towards the group of nurses.  The girls dropped what they were doing from the other side of the bay. They were some of my few friends here. Both nearly my age and some of the best nurses I had ever met. “I have a VIP patient coming in to truma 3. I need you guys with me on him. Bek! Their coming in from Hoth so bring in the frostbite and hyperthermia kits. Stars knows what we’ve got.”

       “Yes ma’am.” She said as she went to the back to fetch them.

       “Vloni, your with me.” And with that, the trauma brought in its first few patients. It began with three storm troopers who were skirted off with Wichita. Vloni and I waited patiently in front of the nurses station. Then a familiar head of hair came in barking orders. Along with several black figures surrounding a gurney. This was the VIP.

       “Into Trauma 3! Now!” The six men surrounding and pushing the gurney guided it to the trauma room. Vloni seemed flustered.

       “Alright bring him in and then out! Medbay personal only!”

      As I was about to go in, Hux grabbed my arm to quickly inform me. “The commander is in bad shape. They were ambushed by a few Wampas down in the old Rebel base ruins. Commander Ren took most of the attack.”

     “You seem kind of worried there Hux?”

     “Worry for me. I have to deal with the Knights of Ren and their impatience while you deal with their injured leader.”

      “Got it.” Then I ran into the trauma past all six of the commanders men, or knights I should say. I tried not to be distracted by the fact that I had seen all seven men at once, a feat that I only new Hux and the supreme leader had.

      As I walked in a I heard a crash. Vloni was thrown to the floor after colliding with the medical supply cabinet by our patient. “What the Hell!” I yelled out. “What happened?”

      “I was trying to put an IV in” She said as I helped her up. “Then I guess he reacted.”

       I finally looked at the commander when I sent her out. He was even more imposing than I remembered. I had only seen him at events and even then it was only at a distance. This time was up close. I knew that I couldn’t lose my nerve with the intimidating man. “Are you done throwing my nurses?”

       The mask that was covered in chrome and scratches stared back at me. “...yes.” He said dryly in the moderated voice. It sent a chill down my spine.

       “Good. She was only trying to help. And clearly you need it.” I took a pair of medical scissors out of a drawer. I introduced myself to him as his doctor and said, “I need to take off these robes and your shirt. I need to assess the damage. May I?” I said firmly. He nodded at me.

       I proceeded to cut the layers of black that were soaked in blood quickly. I found underneath a medic had bandaged his abdomen and chest rather crudely. Bek then came in. “What happened to Vloni?”

      “Don’t worry about it. I need O-negative human blood stat on him. It seems that the medic stopped some of the bleeding but I want to make sure we don’t lose him of blood loss. The damage seems superficial but I want a scan ASAP. I have a feeling those wampas may have caused internal damage.”

      As Bek was about to put get the needles out for his transfusion, the commander spoke up, “what are you doing?” He said with urgency.

      “I’m getting you your blood transfusion sir-“

      “No! I don’t need it!”

      “Sir,” I said calmly, “you’ve clearly lost a of blood. You need it. Please. Let my nurse do her job. And if you throw this one, I’ll sedate you for the safety of my staff, do you understand sir?” I wasn’t ready to let the Supreme leader’s second in command die because of his stubbornness or _stupidity_. I knew that would lead to certain execution.

        I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. But he knew that I wouldn’t pack down on my sedation promise. He nodded at Bek and allowed her to put in the transfusion as well as an IV with antibiotics. Who knows where those Wampas might have been.

      After an examination of his limbs and abdomen, and replacing the crude bandaging with some fresh lap pads, I had only the head examination left to do.

      “Sir. I need you to remove your mask.”

      “No.” Bek looked at me as she finished with the final heart rate lines.

      “Bek? I can handle this from here. I’m sure General Hux wants an update. After that go attend to other patients. I’ll call you if I need you.” Bek left the room and I gave a sigh. “Sir. I need to do a head examination. If I don’t, I might not see signs for head injury, and you could slip into a coma and die. Do you want that?”

      “No. But I’m not taking it off.”

      “Sir. Again it would be unwise.” I pleaded with him. “And if I don’t, I’m sure Hux would gladly let me miss these potential symptoms and let you die. We all know how much you hate each other.” That was very true. I’ve had several discussions with Hux on his dislike of commander Kylo Ren. They had their own rivalry that was almost legendary to the gossips around the ship. “I’m however, would not like to see you die. And for that to _not_ happen I need to do a proper head examination. I’ll be the only one in the room. No one will see you. It’s between you and I. Okay?”

       He nodded at me after a long moment of thinking. I took a breath before asking him, “may I remove it now?”

       “Yes.” I moved my hands, which I ungloved after discarding his bloodied clothes and bandages, towards the chrome face and felt under the metal where his chin should be. My hands shook a little looking for the mechanism that would release the helmet. The commander must have sensed my struggle and lifted his still gloved hands to my fingers. The soft leather fingers guided mine to the right spot and I finally released the mechanism that held it all together. Once it was loose I lifted it carefully off of his head.

      It revealed raven hair locks that were messy from being under the helmet, a pale face, and brilliant eyes. Deep dark brown eyes under the lighting of the room. Staring right back at me. Then I turned awkwardly behind me and placed the helmet onto the medical cabinet. I took out a small flashlight and proceeded to check for any signs of concussion quietly as he stare at me.

      I felt almost self conscious as this very handsome mad stared at me while I was doing my work. I worked with several male patients in my time here, but I felt like I was blushing as he stared at me. Like I was a school girl around her crush at the play yard.

     I shook my head from those thoughts as I put away my flashlight. “How’s the pain right now? These scratches look pretty nasty.”

    “There’s no pain that I cannot handle, Doctor.” His voice was gentle but firm. It was filled with control as if he spent a great deal of time thinking of how he was going to say that to me. I turned as he said that getting out something to start cleaning the wounds.

    “I need to clean these wounds. I can give you some painkillers-“

    “No. I’m not weak. I can handle it.”

    “Are you sure? If these hurt now they are going to be ten times worse as I begin to clean and suture.”

    “I said no.” He was stubborn as he was handsome.

    “Fine. Deal with the pain. But this fair warning. It's probably going hurt like a son of a bitch.”

    He leaned his head back looking up at the ceiling. “Speaking from experience?”

    I raised my eyebrow at him. _Was he joking?_ “Not personally. But then again. I've never faced a few Wampas and lived.” I had to admit, I was impressed that he survived with only these wounds.

    He smirked at me as I changed my gloves to begin getting the cleaning process. _Cocky son of a-_.  Before I could even finish the thought, there was a knock at the door.

    It was Doctor Witchita. I looked at the commander for silent permission to let him in. He nodded gain. “Come in Doc.” I said as I prepared the suture kit.

    “Commander.” He said as he walked in. “Update doctor?”

    “Of course. All injuries are superficial, but in need of several sutures, on abdomen and chest. Still waiting for a scan for precaution. No sign of head injury and currently under a blood transfusion as well as a round of antibiotics. Patient has refused painkillers.”

    “Sir. Are you sure you don’t want anything for the pain-“

    Before the commander could speak, I said to him, “Doctor Witchita, I’ve already informed him the consequences of not getting local anesthetic. He understands that and would like not to push further on it.” I could have sworn that the commander smirked at me that time.

    “Very well then, the scanners are ready for the commander.”

    “Good. Please send in Bek with the machine.” With that my supervisor left the room and I prepared it for the scanner.

    As we waited for Bek, the commander spoke up. “Could you...could you let the other nurse that I apologize for my sudden behavior earlier. It-it wasn’t right.”

   I blinked at him and said, “yeah….Sir. Of course. I’ll let her know. We get reactions like that from patients more often than not. Don’t worry about it.”

   He nodded at me again in response. Then Bek came in with the scanner.

….

   Nearly two hours later and I was half way through the sutures. As promised, the commander still didn’t let me give him painkillers and he was silent through it. I couldn’t understand it. I have given thousands of sutures to many patients, all reacting in a different way but many have said that it was completely uncomfortable. The commander seemed to be in an almost trance like state. Then Bek came in quietly. She whispered, “General Hux wishes to speak with you about the patient.”

    I nodded at her. “Sir. I’ll be right back to continue with the sutures. I need to give an update to my supervisor.”

    I took off the gloves from my sweaty hands and threw them into the trash. I headed out to see the six men still waiting for their commander. Hux was also among them. “Doctor. How is the commander?”

    As Hux said these words, I watched all six men look at me. They seemed worried, as far as I could tell from their masks. “The commander is stable so far. He is in the middle of getting sutures. He’s under a round of antibiotics and has had a blood transfusion. He shows no sign of internal injury over the scans that we took not long ago. I want to have him under our care for the next few days Incase of infection, which is very little sign of now. He should be able to make a full recovery.”

    The knights showed some relief in their statues, as well as two of them offering a handshake to each other. Hux on the other hand seemed indifferent. “Thank you Doctor. I’ll inform the Supreme Leader of the commander as well as your good service.” I nodded and turned away to go back to the commander. For someone so stubborn, he seemed to be well loved amongst his knights. They were a strange bunch.

     I entered quietly and put on some gloves to resume. Then the commander spoke again, “is Hux disappointed that I’m not dead yet?”

     I couldn’t help myself this time, I chuckled. _I chuckled at the commander’s joke_! “Devastated.” I said flatly. “But your men seemed to be quite relieved.”

     He opened his eyes and looked at me. “Did they seem worried?”

     I looked back. “Yeah. They were. They seem quite loyal to you.” I bit back at the question I was about to ask.

     “What?”

     “I shouldn’t be asking you questions sir. It’s not my place.”

     “Ask me anyway.”

     I blinked at him again in a pause. I took a breath. “How did you meet them? The knights? I don’t think that the First Order would have put you all together for just any reason, you all seem so…”

    “So what?”

    “Different. Unorthodox. Not at all what the First Order stands for.”

    He paused in thought before answering. I thought that he wouldn’t. “When I was on my own for the first time in my life, they were just my friends. We helped each other in our struggles with the force. Eventually they chose me as their leader and we became the Knights of Ren.”

   “That sounds like the short version.”

   “It’s the story isn’t it?”

   “I’m not doubting that. It’s the short telling. It can’t show the full extent of the story, but you have no choice but to tell it. Cause you just met me. But maybe one day you can tell me the long version.”

    He smirked at my comment. “Maybe.” After that, I resumed with the sutures quietly while Kylo slips back into his trance.  


	2. The Virus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All seems to be good when I send Kylo Ren to his hospital room, and I go to get some dinner, but the commander takes a turn for the worst. And I meet one of his ally’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where I really jumped into the medical stuff. If it sounds accurate but isn’t really, all of the jargon came from Grey’s Anatomy. Enjoy! -Indigo

_ “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.” - Ephesians 4:32  _

  
  


   My hands were cramping after the last suture was finished. It took me approximately three hours to finish them on the commander. I took my gloves off and looked at my work. The scratches now were put together with sutures and looked like long lines against the right side of his abdomen and chest. Those Wampas did a number on him and yet here he was. I could hardly believe it. But I knew my struggle with this patient wasn’t over yet. I had yet to tell him that I wanted him under our watch for the next few days. And from the few short hours I had spent with him, I somehow knew that he wouldn’t want to do that. 

    I cleared my throat, and quietly said, “I’m finished with the sutures, sir.” 

    He opened his eyes again. They almost seemed peaceful. It’s as if he hadn’t gone through the hours of suturing. Whatever the force was it seemed to help him. 

    Then I said to him, “since you have done quite well, you have a projected full recovery ahead of you.” 

    “Good.” He then started to try to sit up but started to strain his stitches. 

    “Easy! Sir, you have Well over a hundred stitches on your abdomen and chest right now. I’m going to put some BACta gel over it as well as some bandages to prevent infection. But I want you to stay in the medical bay for the next 48 hours for observation and the initial stages of healing.” 

    “I can’t do that.” He tried getting up again when I pressed my hand against the side of chest that wasn't damaged. The side with no stitches. Just skin. After a few seconds I collected myself and took my hand off of him. 

    “Sir. As your doctor. I cannot let you walk out of here. With these exposed stitches you have big risk of infection. We have yet to make sure you didn’t contract anything from the Wampas. We have antibiotics right now but there is some testing that we have yet to do. Besides. You need to be on bed rest for the next few days. Sir. You may have a strong mind, but your body has its limits. As your doctor, I am ordering you-“ 

   “Ordering me?!” 

   I had to stand my ground. “Yes! Ordering you. As your DOCTOR, I am ordering you to 48 hours in the medbay and then daily visits for the week after, to keep an eye on the healing. I’m sorry. But these are the circumstances. I can’t let you walk out of here to come running back when you’ve ripped a stitch or caught an infection. Both of which will threaten your life a  _ hell _ of a lot more than any  _ Wampas _ running around.” 

   For once he had nothing to retort back. I reached behind me for my datapad and out down my notes for my patient. Then I put on the BACta gel and the bandages carefully. 

   Once I was finished, I spoke to him, “I know you were not happy about taking your mask off in front of me, so if you want while my nurses transport you to one of our rooms, I can let you wear it.” I held it up to him. I didn’t know why he was so attached to it and why he didn’t like showing his face.  _ Fear? Intimidation? Self loving _ ? I asked myself. 

   “No. It’s not necessary here. Just put it with my things. Please.” I nodded at him and did as he asked. Then I stepped out with my datapad and flagged down Bek.

   “I need you to take the commander to one of the rooms. He will be staying with us for the next 48 hours. I will keep watch of him and I only want a few nurses to tend to his dressing changes. One at a time. He may be calm now, but he threw Vloni across a trauma room today. I don’t think any of us wishes for a repeat incident.” Bek took the instructions and went on. Then I went to my forgotten caff and sat down behind the nurses station with a great sigh. 

    “That bad hun?” I heard behind me. I turned and found, my best friend and coworker, Doctor Mara. 

    “I see you just came in.” I said to her as I drank my ice cold caff. 

    “Missed all the fun. You got the commander? That must have been something else.” 

    “Yes...he threw Vloni across the room.” 

    “So I’ve heard.” 

    “She okay?” 

    “Yeah. After she was checked out, and had only gotten a few bruises by the way, she was dismissed for the day by Wichita. How long ‘till you clock out?” 

    I looked at the time on my datapad. It was only 1200. “I have until supper break. Then I get the night to myself, but it looks like I’ll be on call for my VIP patient for the next 48 hours.” 

    “Yikes.” 

    “Yeah, I’ll need another thousand of these to get through tonight.” 

    “Why? Your only on call.” 

    “Yes but as you have seen with the staff, he’s distrustful of the nurses, especially if they have needles. And he’s also a flight risk.” 

    “I’ll buy your first cup.” 

    I chuckled. “Of course you will.” 

….

    Once I saw that the commander was settled, it was finally time for supper break. It was an exhausting day. “Sir. I’m now off my shift. I will be on call for you tonight. Any food requests for supper? I can get that for you.” 

    He nodded and rang off his order. He’s had only spoken a few words since our argument over his stay here. 

    “Alright then. If something happens the night nurse will message me. If all goes well, I’ll be in first thing in the morning. Goodnight sir.” 

    “Goodnight.” 

    I left the room and updated the night staff. One nurse at a time was to check on him through the night. And to page me if anything happens. I signed out and left for the mess hall. 

   The mess hall had to be my least favorite part of the ship. It was filled with all of the lower personnel and completely crowded during mealtimes. Which meant that the  _ only time _ I was able to get food was also the worst time to go. I rushed over to the station where I could take a hot meal to-go. It wasn’t as good as some of the food I had tried on Coruscant, but it filled the nutritional needs. 

   I grabbed the soup of the day and a few sandwiches. As I was about to pay, someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned see a familiar face that wished I didn't know. “Hello Reginald.” I frowned at him. Everyone called him Reggie the tech’.He was a technician that I had know for a while. I wouldn’t call him my friend, and I didn’t want him to have the satisfaction of calling him by his nickname. Nicknames are for your friends. And he and I were  _ not _ friends. 

   Yet he smiled his cocky smile. “Hi. Mind if I buy your dinner?” 

   “I would mind. I’ve had a long day and I have no patience for your trouble today.”

   “I’m just trying to be nice.” 

  “Yes and when your being nice it always leads to something  _ else _ that you want.” I said to him as I swiped my meal card. I gathered my food in a paper bag and started to walk away. 

  “Com’on. I’m not that bad of a guy. Just get to know me.” 

  “I know enough-“ and my data pad chirped again. I used this as my excuse. “I have a patient. Goodnight Reginald.” 

   And with that I left. As I walked out of the hall I checked the message. It was from the night nurse. 

**Nurse’s Station: Patient’s blood testing came back. Elevated white blood cell levels.**

     “Shit.” I contemplated going back. They could indicate an infection, but there are no other signs. My gut said something different. 

**Me: what are his vitals?**

     I typed this as I made my way through the ship back to Medbay. I had a distinct feeling that this wasn’t because of any normal infection. 

    Then it chirped again. 

**Nurse’s Station: patient has a fever. Requesting your return.**

_ Shit. Shit. Shit.  _ That couldn’t be good. I started running. 

…. 

    I put my food down and made my way back to the commander's room. The monitors were growing louder as his heart rate climbed. Then the nurse informed me, “his heart just started climbing. His temp is at 104 degrees.” 

    I started barking orders and I listened to his breathing. He was unconscious as well. “I need to speak with Hux ASAP. Push an antiviral and get some cooling blankets in here.” I ran to the sink and grabbed a small towel. I wet it under some cool water and put it onto his forehead. His hair was slick against it in his sweat.

   “I paged the general.” 

   “Good. What we need now is to figure out what in the hell those Wampas had.” Silence filled the room between the nurse and I. I grew worried with every moment that Hux wasn’t here. I watched the monitor, there was barely a change, and his O2 levels were that great. “Start oxygen on him as well. I don’t like those O2 levels.” 

   “Yes ma'am.” She said as she pushed the button on the oxygen machine. She handed me the plastic nubbin tubes  and placed them under his nose and behind his ears.

   “And get some masks. Who knows if it’s contagious.” 

   Then I heard a whisper, “doctor?” 

   I looked down at the commander. I said calmly, “Sir. You have a fever and your heart rate is up. You also have an elevated white blood cell count. I think you may have contracted a virus. I put you under some oxygen as well. Your going to be okay. We need to break the fever.” 

   He nodded in response. Then Hux burst through the room. “What’s going on?” 

   The commander’s heart rate spiked at the presence of Hux. They really hated each other didn’t they? “Outside. Now. Please.”

   I took Hux outside of the room and explained the change in the commander. “I think that the Wampas had a disease or something that’s not in our database. I need to know if the mission resulted in the capture of one of them.” 

   “Not capture. Killing of one.” 

   “Do you have the body?” 

   “It’s...it’s undergoing some research testing on another ship.” 

  “Can I get a hold of one of those scientists. I need to see if they found any unusual virus or bacteria in it.”

   “Why?” 

   “The commander is showing signs of an unknown virus. It’s a risk to have it here and not know what it is. The only logical reason how he contracted it was the Wampa. Please?” 

   “I’ll set up a Holo chat.” 

   “Good. And bring in anyone who had contact with it for testing. Dead or alive. Who knows how it may spread.” 

    He nodded and walked away. Then I saw a familiar figure. It was one of the Knights. I frowned at him. He must of heard the conversation. Then he tried to walk through the door. 

   I pushed back at the body, trying to not let him through. “Sir! I can’t let you in there!” It was like pushing a wall of pure muscle. 

   “I can’t let the commander-“ 

   “He’s in the best place to be in his condition. I need you to stay back.” 

   He backed off at my sudden tone. “Please?” 

   “I can’t. I’m sorry.” A silence grew between us. “What’s your name?” 

   “Daval. Daval Ren.” 

   “Alright. Daval. I’m sorry. But this is what’s happening. I need you to stay calm.” 

   “Of course. Is there anything I can do?” He said quietly.

   “Were you hurt at all in the attack? Made any contact with the Wampas?”

   “No. Ky-the commander stopped it from getting to me. He saved my life.” 

   “Okay. Then you need to trust me. So I can save his.” 

   He nodded as I grabbed a surgical mask from my pocket. I threw it on as I went to check on the commander. 

   I checked his vitals again. His temp was slighting coming down. That must have been a good sign. Then I saw he was staring at me again. “I spoke with Hux. I’m going to figure out what you have okay? Until then I’m afraid I’ll be the one wearing the mask.” 

   He had a small smile. With that I knew that he trusted me. Trusted me with his life. I just hoped that I was worth it. 

…. 

  About an hour later and the commander still had his fever. But I had a holo chat to get to. I went to a conference room with Hux not far from the medbay. I then met the scientist performing the autopsy on the wampa. 

  He seemed to be quite young for a non human species expert. “Doctor,” He said to me, “what can I answer for you?” 

  “One of my patients has contracted either a bacteria or virus that has caused elevated levels of white blood cells and a fever. Have you found anything on the specimen?” 

   “Or course. A virus actually. I’m quite surprised that your patient has contracted it because it has only been seen in Wampas. It however can be treated with a certain combination of antiviral drugs.” 

   “How is it spread?”

   “Purecontact with the infected dna against another.” 

   “Not through the air?” 

   “No. As long as you keep him quarantined until the antivirals have taken effect you shouldn’t have any problems with the infection spreading.” 

    “I take it there’s no preventative measures?” 

    “Unfortunately.” 

   He listed off a list of drugs that I knew we had and wished me luck. Then I quickly messaged the nurses the same list. “Hopefully that should work. Thank you Hux.” 

   “Of course.” 

   Then he escorted me back to the medbay in a deep silence. That same silence was in the commander’s room. He was still unconscious, but the meds were administered. I checked his temp again and it was still well over 102. I took the cloth over his forehead and wet it again. When I returned it, I sat down in a chair next to the bed. Waiting for a change.

…. 

   After another few hours, while I was on a small break, the commander’s fever finally broke. When the nurse made sure of it, I dismissed her to check his vitals again. When I checked his pulse, he spoke again. “Am I dying yet doc?” 

  “Not on my watch, Sir. How you feeling?” 

  “Better.” We looked at each other for a moment, the silence becoming more comfortable between us. 

  “Hopefully this virus will get out of your system soon.” 

  “You seem very reliant on  _ hope _ for a Doctor.” 

  I smirked at him. “Hope is important. Hasn’t anyone ever told you that?” 

  He grew silent after that. Like I struck a chord with him. I grimaced. Then he spoke again. “What time is it?”   

  I looked at my watch. “Just after 0400.” 

  “You should go get some sleep.” 

  “No, your my patient. I need to keep an eye on you. You just broke your fever but you’ve barely gotten out of the woods.” 

   “The nurse can. When was the last time you’ve slept Doctor?” 

   I sighed. He had his logic. “Alright. I’ll go. But I’m still on call with you and I’ll be back. Your not getting rid of me that easily.” 

   He chuckled as I walked out of the room. Ready to get some sleep. 


	3. The Thank You Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally discharged Kylo Ren, but I can’t help my awkwardness and my inner gossip. Also: wine night with Mara with gossip on Kylo Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fun with drunk Mara and Reader. Plus I think awkward pairings are just perfect for eachother don’t you? -Indigo

_ “A family tie is like a tree, It can bend but cannot break, - African Proverb  _

  
  


Roughly 36 hours later. 

 

     I entered the medbay with a full cup of caff. All seemed well as it was quiet. I said good morning to Doctor Wichita as I walked passed him to the patient rooms. “Good morning commander.” I said as I entered his room. He was reading something off of his datapad. 

    “Good morning.” He said quietly. 

    I checked his vitals again to see them almost completely normal. “How are you feeling?” 

    “Ready to get the hell out of here.” 

    “I know. I need to check your stitches again before I can start the process to discharge you.” 

    He put down the data pad on the side table as I threw on some gloves. “Ready?” He nodded at me as I began to take off the white gauze. “Read anything lately?” 

    “Nothing you would find interesting.” 

    “Try me.” 

    “Digital recordings of some ancient force user scrolls.” 

    I blinked at him. “Yeah...I  _ don’t _ think I would find it as a page turner. I like reading about the old legends.” 

    “Like what? Luke Skywalker?” He scoffed. 

    “I did,  _ but _ I didn’t like his story as much as the Former Queen Padme Amidala Of Naboo. She was Leia Organa’s and Luke Skywalker’s mother as well as the wife of Anakin Skywalker.” 

    “I know of her.” 

   “Well I think her story is really interesting. She was chosen as queen at a young age and then had to fight for her planet. Then ten years later help start the Clone Wars. If you ask me she was a bad-ass.” 

   He chuckled at me again. “I see you're a fan.” 

   “What is there not to be a fan about? She fought for her planet as well as the galaxy. She was a good woman, but unfortunately with a tragic downfall.” 

    “What happened to her?” He asked quietly. 

    “Her husband went to the dark side of the force. And when she chose not to join him...he snapped. I honestly feel awful for him. He lost her not long after that, when she gave birth to their twins and died.” 

    “He became Lord Darth Vader.” 

    “Yes. He did. But he must have been terribly lonely. Fighting for the empire, with no one to fight for.” 

    The comfortable silence grew again after I finished with the new dressings. I quickly typed the final notes on the datapad. “To discharge you I need you to sign here, and make a final sign at the nurse’s station outside. I will be making daily visits to check up on your stitches in your quarters for the next few days.” I handed him my datapad to sign. 

    “Why you?” 

    “Me?  _ Well _ the last intern we had go to a patient regularly ended up getting terminated. So I don’t really trust them. And the nurses are much too busy. So that just leaves me.” I said with a shrug. 

    He smirk. “Okay.” 

    “I will be prescribing another round of antivirals for the next week.  _ Please _ take them. Then we will have a follow up in a week. I need you to not do any strenuous activity until  _ after _ the stitches come out during the follow up. If you split any and start bleeding, come back here immediately. I don’t want you getting an infection.” 

    I stood up to leave the room so the nurse droid can bring him is belongings and fresh clothes. “I’ll be seeing you tomorrow  _ commander Ren _ . 

    “See you Doc.” He said quietly as he handed my datapad back to me. 

    I walked out to the nurses station to see our nurse droid, 42IO heading to the commander’s room. Mara was typing at her data pad when I walked up to her. 

    “He’s finally getting discharged.” I said to her. 

    “That’s good.” 

    “Yeah, that means I don’t have to worry about getting  _ executed _ if I let him die.” 

     She laughed. “That’s what’s been on your mind since he got here?” 

     “Yes, especially since he did  _ almost died _ !” 

     “Because of the Wampa.” 

     I furrowed my eyebrows at her. “I didn’t tell you that.” 

     “Didn’t have to. I heard it through the grapevine.” 

     I rolled my eyes at her. “Gossip really travels fast on this ship.” 

     “ _ You have no idea _ .” She frowned at me. 

     “What?” 

     “Reggie the  _ technician _ has been talking about you.” 

      I scoffed. “What did  _ he _ say?” 

      “That you too have been having some fun times in utility closets.” 

      “He what!?” I was ready to kill him. “I’ve been fighting off his _advances_ since I’ve gotten here. There _have been no_ _rendezvous_.” 

      “What are you going to do about it?” 

      “If this were Tatooine I would  _ probably  _ take my blaster and send him flying across the desert.  _ But it isn’t _ . 

      “You could tell General Hux. Since you too are so  _ close _ .”

      I laughed. “We’re colleagues. And  _ besides _ he has a wife!” 

      “Really what’s her name?” 

     “Last I heard, I think it was...Millicent.” 

      “Either way, are you going to tell him about Reggie?” 

      “Probably. I just need to confirm it. Hopefully Hux will just transfer him off the ship.  _ Imagine that _ : I wouldn’t have to see him  _ ever _ again.” 

      I heard someone clear their throat behind me. The color from my face drained.  _ Oh stars please don’t be Wichita! _ I thought to myself. I turned to see the commander.  _ Nope this was probably worse. _ He was dressed in fresh robes, and he held his helmet at his side. He also shifted his weight from one foot to the other, as if he’d been waiting for a while. He said, “I’m ready to finish signing out.” 

     “Of course.” I said to him. I handed him the nurses datapad to sign him out completely. “Um..sir? Can I ask you a question?” 

     “Sure.” He said while signing with his finger. 

     “Did you hear any of the conversation that just occurred?” I said awkwardly. 

     He handed the datapad back to me. “Not much. Why?” 

     “Well... _ never mind _ . I’ll see tomorrow.” He nodded and left the medbay. 

     I turned towards Mara, who was now sitting behind the desk, “I really hope he didn’t hear all that.” 

     “I think he might have.” 

     “What makes you think that?” 

     “Cause I saw him stand behind you for a little bit before he interrupted.” 

     My eyes widened. “And you couldn’t tell me while I was  _ gossiping with you _ ?” Another nurse proceeded to flag me down for a patient. “I have have a patient. But we  _ will _ talk about this later.” 

     “Fine. It’s wine night anyway.” 

     “Thank the stars.” 

     “And may I just say, about the  _ Commander _ ” she says raising her eyebrows, “he’s hot, and he’s  _ very much _ into you.”

     “What? He’s my patient.  _ And _ superior officer. ” 

     “He is. And he was making eyes at you like he’d love to have a  _ rendezvous _ with you in the closet.” 

     I laughed at her. Cause I didn’t want her to think that in my mind the thought of  _ that _ happening didn’t sound so bad. 

…. 

 

    I had about a half hour left before the end of my shift. Then I was called to examine the one person who I hadn’t wanted to see. 

    “Reggie the technician is in bed 2.” Mara said as she headed to the patient she was tending to. 

    “Oh great. Keep an eye out.  _ I might strangle him _ .” I whispered. Then I opened the curtain while looking at his chart on my datapad. “Hello Reginald.” I looked up so see his face and neck heavily bruised. “ _ What happened _ ?” 

    “I...I stumbled.” I began examining his neck when he smiled creepily at me. “I should have done that a long time ago. Now you can’t keep your hands off me.” 

    “ _ In your dreams Reginald. _ What really happened? It looks like you were strangled and  _ then _ took a beating.” 

    He dropped his smile. “I can’t tell you.” 

    “Are you in pain?” I asked as I checking for any head injury. 

    “What do you think?” There was some signs of concussion, but he seemed to be just fine. 

    “I’m going to have you use plenty of cold compresses, and I’m putting you on concussion watch for the next 24 hours.” 

    “Your locking me down  _ gorgeous _ ? Great. Then I can  _ woo _ you.” He smiled again. I just rolled my eyes. 

    “I’m putting it on your file. Expect a nurse.”

    As I walked out I checked through his file and found something quite peculiar. He was marked for a transfer to the construction of a new base in the next week. I was confused at first, then I put two and two together.  _ Commander Ren must have done this. _

  He was known for his violent outbursts but he hasn’t come in for split stitches. He may have used the force on him, but...he was a killer.  _ Wouldn’t Reggie be dead _ ? I put all of those thoughts out of my head as I sent the updated file. I wouldn’t have to deal with Reggie again. It must have been a coincidence. 

   Soon I was off heading back to my quarters to get out of my work clothes. I was ready to shed off the scrubs and lab coat for wine night. The one night of the week where Mara and I enjoy one or two glasses just to have some uninterrupted girl talk.  

   I walked into my messy quarters and put down my things. I threw off my white coat and took my hair out of its ponytail. I hastily started picking up the things on the floor and straitened some things out. It was my turn to host. 

   Once I was satisfied, with the living/kitchen area, I went into my bedroom and threw off my extra layers. I took a quick shower in my fresher. 

   I couldn’t tell you how much I disliked my tiny fresher. Sure it was better than using the communal, but still. It was tiny. No way to redecorate. No windows. Nothing that made it nice. Well, except for the decent water pressure. I also had a collection of flowery and fruity body washes, shampoos, and conditioners. But I would have killed for a proper bath.

   Once I was finished, I dried off and brushed my hair quickly and threw together a simple outfit. I put on a black tank top and some comfy pajama pants. Just because it was wine night didn’t mean that we had to be dressed up. Then I heard a knock at my front door. 

   “Coming!” I ran through the place to get to the door, ready to see my friend, but was surprised to see it wasn’t her. It was a delivery droid with a small package. 

   “Delivery!” It chimed. 

   I took it and said thank you. I closed the door and examined the package in the kitchen. It didn’t say on the label who it was from, but I opened it anyway. And then I had to pick up my jaw off the floor. I found a very fancy, white wine from the royal Naboo vineyard. I also found a  _ handwritten _ card with it. I couldn’t believe the beautiful calligraphy on it. The practice was almost extinct with the relation of digital use these days, but it was welcomed. 

   It read: 

 

             Thank you for saving my life. Enjoy the wine. Best served on a Rainy day.       - Kylo Ren. 

  
  


    I first thought,  _ I can’t accept this _ . But I thought of it more. It’s one of the best wines out there. I couldn’t just toss it. It would be a waste. Plus it would be an insult to the commander. I decided that I had to save it. Mara was a red kind of gal, and I kind of wanted it for myself. I put it away in my hidden wine rack, and threw out the packaging. I put the handwritten note in my room and got out the wine Mara and I would drink. 

   And just like clock work, Mara was at the door ready in her own pjs and has our dinner ready. She was ready to spill on the latest of her gossip. 

   An hour in and I had forgotten about the unexpected gift, and Mara was in the middle of a side splitting funny story. 

   “And then he said,” she giggled, “‘what do you know nurse!’ And I said, ‘well I know quite a lot since I’m the Doctor here!’” 

   “He must have been mortified.” 

   “His face said it all!” We laughed again. These were the nights that made living on the Finalizer worth it. I had made my best friend there. And these nights introduced me to my love of wine. I took a big gulp as Mara poor herself some more. “So. What do you really think about the  _ commander _ ?”

    The wine had made my face red and my mind a little slippery. “Well. He’s hot. Like smoking.” 

    “I figured but what else?” 

    “ _ Definitely _ cocky. Smart. Bit of a wise ass. But a charmer.” 

    “Really?” 

    “Yeah. He sent me a gift.” I slapped my hand across my mouth. I couldn’t believe what I just said. 

    “What!? What did he send?” 

    “ _ Nothing _ ! That was the wine talking.” 

    “I know you. What was it? If I was him I would have sent something  _ sexy _ .” 

    “Mara!” 

    “What? Did you see the eyes he was making at you! He was  _ practically _ falling love with you  _ right _ in front of me.” 

     “He hasn’t fallen in love with me.” Mara gave me one of those looks that just made me laugh some more. 

     “ _ Seriously _ though. What did he send?” 

     Once I stopped to take a breath from laughing, I said, “wine.” 

     “Wine?” 

     “ _ Yes _ . Wine.” 

     “Well props to him! He knows my girl’s way to her heart.” We cheers again but for no reason. Just to let us drink some more. “Red or white?” She asked. 

     “White.” 

     “Where from?” 

     “Not telling you.” 

     “Why Not?” 

     “Cause once you do know, you'll want me to open it and I want to save it. For special.” 

     “ _ Fine _ . Only because I know that opening a good wine for no reason means there’s no reason to celebrate properly.” 

     “That’s right.” That’s when I finished my glass. That was the biggest bond between Mara and I: Wine and boys. 

  
  



	4. Stars from the Veiw Port

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Learning more about Kylo Ren and he learns more about me. A flirty friendship forms as I do my work. Could there be something more there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Having a lot of fun with Kylo and reader’s relationship! Just wait till you see what I have in store after this!- Indigo

_ “The language of friendship is not words but meanings.” -Henry David Thoreau  _

  
  


   I woke up around 0700 with Mara sleeping next to me in bed. I checked my datapad for any messages. I only found one. 

 

**One message from: Commander Ren**

 

     I sat up suddenly as my heart started to race. I opened it. 

 

**Commander Ren: what time this morning can you come in? I’m available until 0930.**

 

     I thought for a second as I processed his words. I can make it in perfect time. Just enough for me to have a heart attack. I typed him back. 

 

**Me: I can come in at 0900. That okay with you?**

     As soon as I sent it I put down my datapad.  _ How did he get my datapad code? _ Probably from my files from his visit. I was ready to jump out of my skin. It was way too early for this. I ran to my fresher to pee and brush my teeth. Once I was finished I took my datapad to my kitchenette and sat down with a cup of caff. He responded. 

 

**Commander Ren: Fine with me. See you then.**

 

       For some reason, I was a little relieved. Why was I so nervous about this? It’s not like I hadn’t communicated with someone in this manner before. I was just jumpy was all.  _ Yeah, jumpy _ . I hadn’t gotten my caff in yet. I explained to myself. 

      Then Mara came in the room. “Got anything for breakfast?”  

      “I’ll get the cereal.” 

….

     It was a quarter till 0900 and I was lost. I had my caff and medical bag, and I had no idea where I was going. I relented and used the tracking application on my datapad. I always liked that I could get myself anywhere because of my good sense of direction. But once I was on the Finalizer that all changed. The place felt like a maze for the first few weeks. And I had never been to the executive section for personal quarters. 

     A minuet before being late, I finally found his door. I knocked and waited a few seconds. Then the commander opened the door. His hair was slightly damp from his shower earlier, I presumed, and he had his toothbrush still in his mouth. He wore his clunky boots and his black pants. He wore a button up tunic over his bandaging with the first few on his chest left open. 

    “Good morning.” 

    “Come in.” He grumbled as he moved out of the way as I entered his quarters. Though it had the signature black of the ship, it was much, much larger than mine. He had a full kitchen and living room, with a floor to ceiling view port. It looked over the white planet below us. It was gorgeous. 

    I placed my med bag on the coffee table. When he offered, “caff?” 

    “Oh, no thank you.” I said as I held up my portable mug. “I don’t know why I carry one of these all the time I should just probably have an IV bag attached.” 

    He smirked at the small joke before he rinsed in the sink and left his toothbrush next to the stainless steel metal. I started pulling things out of my bag when he asked, “where do you want me?” 

    “Couch is fine. Let me just find…”I rummaged through the bag, “aha- the BACta gel.” He sat down and unbuttoned his tunic. I tried not to stare and I pick up the medical scissors and sat on the coffee table. As I began changing the dressing I ask, “how’d you sleep?” 

     “A lot better than in that medbay bed.” 

    “Yeah. Their not quite as nice as others, but their put there for practicality more than comfort.” 

     “Ever slept in one?” 

     I smiled. “Once,” as I remembered my first few days on the ship, “never wanted to again.” 

    “How did  _ you _ sleep?”he asked. 

    I got rid of the old dressing and began examining the stitches. “Okay I guess.” 

    “Okay?” He asked flatly. 

    “My friend Mara stayed over. And she likes taking up all of the covers.” After a short silence when I started putting on the BACta gel, I asked, “so...I got the wine last night.” 

    He smirked. “Really.” 

    “I wouldn’t normally accept a gift like that from a patient but…” I paused thinking of the right word, “I don’t think it would be  _ polite _ to  _ not _ accept a gift from the commander of the ship. And I can’t just throw out that kind of wine, you’know.” 

     “Well that’s how you would put it.” 

     “What I’m trying to say is  _ thank you _ . It is much appreciated.” 

     He smiled a small smile again at that. I soon started with the gauze over his stitches. “Hey doc?” 

     “Mm-hm” 

     “Thank you.” 

     “Thank you for what?” 

     I looked up at him in the eye. “For saving my life.” 

     “I was doing my job.” 

     “Yes. But I’ve looked at the reports. If any other quack had me, they would have left the fever to the nurses and not gone into figuring out what was going on. You did. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.” 

     I smiled at his words. In my line of work, I didn’t get much of it. “It’s my job to save people who need my help. You just happened to be one of them.” At this point I was finished with the dressings. And I had realized how close our faces were. We just kept staring at each other. I heard him swallow while I blushed this time. Then my datapad chirped again. I looked away and checked it. It was a page to get to the medbay. I looked back and said, “I need to go. I’ll see you tomorrow. Same time?” 

     “Yeah. Thank you again.” 

     I nodded as I gathered my things. I left rather quickly with my heart pounding out of my chest. 

…. 

     We went on like that for the next four days. Making small talk while I checked for ripped stitches and applying BACta gel and he talked quietly with me. On the last day of this, before the follow up, I was almost sad that I couldn’t keep this routine. For some reason, the commander made quite good company. And he seemed to enjoy mine. 

     I had finally memorized how to get to his quarters and before I could even knock, the commander opened the door for me. 

     I smiled softly at him, “morning.” 

     “Morning.” He echoed back. I entered and put my med bag down on the coffee table. 

     “How are you doing? I’m sure your ready to get those stitches out tomorrow.” 

     He nodded as he poured two cups of caff. (I had relented bringing my own after the third day when I got a whiff of the fancy kind he has. I couldn’t help it, it was delicious) He asked as he handed it to me, “any progression on the paper Hux asked you to write?” 

     “Not much. I’m great at being a doctor, but I’m an awful writer.” Hux asked me to write a short paper on the effects of the Wampa virus that I managed to catch, to go along with the scientists’, who performed the autopsy, paper. “I don’t see why they want my perspective.” 

      “They probably want to know how you figured that it was a virus.” 

     “Aren’t you uncomfortable with it?” I said after a sip. “After all your patient X in the paper.” 

     He shook his head. “I don’t really care. It’s not like my name is on it.” 

     “True.” Then we got into the routine of changing the dressings. The comfortable silence between us returned as I worked and he drank his caff. This time however, it felt like he watched intently as I worked, As if he hadn’t seen me do this before. As I finished with the last bit of tape, I said, “finished. They look just about ready to come out. And with my good stitch work there should be minimal scarring.” 

    “Good…” he paused as if he were about to say something else. I caught on. 

    “What?” 

    “Nothing.” 

    “You were about to ask me something. You can. You can ask me anything.” 

     He looked away to find some words. I waited. I’ve learned in our short time together that patience was key when speaking with him. “Would you...tomorrow night...would you. Come here for dinner? As a thank you. For all that you’ve done for me.” 

    I bit my lip. It was tempting. How could I say no? There was no reason why not. “Sure. I’m sure dinner with you would be hell of a lot better than the slop that they serve in the mess hall.” 

   “Does 1900 work?” 

   “It’s perfect.” Then I looked at the time. “Shit. I’m sorry. Sir…I have to go. Otherwise I’ll be late for work.” 

   “Yeah...but you don’t have to keep calling me sir. Call me by my name.” 

   I stopped myself from raising my eyebrow at him. “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow. Ren.” 

    Then I finished my caff quickly and ran out to the medbay. I couldn’t believe myself. I think I just made a dinner date with Kylo Ren. 

… 

 

    Mara was already in the Medbay when I arrived. I pulled her to an empty trauma room to talk with her. I was ready to start screaming in my nervousness and excitement. “You won’t believe what just happened!” 

    “What? Did Reggie come back? ‘cause I will kick his ass for you.” 

    “What? No! This is better.”

    “Okay What?”

    “I think that Kylo Ren just asked me out on a date“ 

   “What! When did this happen?” 

   “Just now! Tomorrow night.” 

   “Oh my stars! What did you say?” 

  I smiled and bit my lip at the same time. “I said yes.” We both squealed with excitement like a couple of teenagers. 

     “OH! You’re borrowing my red dress.” 

     “What?” 

     “Yes! That dress is magic. It got me laid every time I wore it.” 

     I fought to laugh at her. “I know, but I’m not trying to get laid. It’s a kind of date.” 

     “Whatever. Your coming to my quarters tonight anyway to try it on.” 

     I smiled at her. I knew she wouldn’t take no for an answer. 

…. 

     That night was filled with me in the dress and drinking not wine, but margaritas. A rare treat. The next morning however, was the dreaded and rare hangover. I slumped over the nurses station desk Hiding behind it from the busyness of the medbay. I was waiting on the aspirin to finally kick in. 

     Then I heard a familiar, modulated voice, “rough night?” 

     I shot up once I had heard it. “Commander.” I was starting to go red from the embarrassment. “Right this way.” I lead him to one of the exam rooms that I had set up for the stitch removal. I was hopeing that he didn't notice my sudden embarrassment. I knew that he would laugh as the reason why I was hungover. 

    Once the door was closed, Ren took off his helmet and smirked at me. “Hungover?”

    I huffed, “how’d you know?” 

    “I can sense it. And you don’t seem all that…” 

    “All that what?” I said impatiently. 

    I looked me up and down in thinking. “Perky.” 

    “Perky? You think I’m perky?!” 

    “What else would you call it?” He said has he sat in the exam chair. 

    “Anything but that. I’m a respected doctor here you know?” 

    “I know.” 

   I rolled my eyes at him as I took out the blood test kit. “Yeah, like I know how you hate needles, speaking of which.” 

    The smirk disappeared. “Is it really necessary to do another blood test?” 

    “Well,” I bit my lip, “I could get Doctor Wichita in here and have him give you a prostate exam.” 

     His eyes grew wide and relented. “I’d rather take the needle.” 

     “Good. Now get the shirt off, Ren. I need to get to a vain.” I threw on some gloves and got the small butterfly needle together with the vials. “Now, please don’t throw me across the room.” 

      “No promises,” he retorted back as I put a rubber band around his bicep. Which may I remind you that it was so large that the could wrap my hands around it and I couldn’t touch my fingers. I had to admit, he was a fine specimen of the male of the human species. 

      After getting the blood to the lab, I began taking off the dressings for the last time. “So, your still up for dinner tonight?” He asked quietly. 

      “Of course. Why do you ask?” 

      “Your hungover.” 

     “Oh I’m fine! Mara whipped me up the best hangover cure this morning.” 

     He raised his eyebrow at me. “What is it?” 

     “To be honest, and by the way I’m starting to remove the stitches so you may feel a scratching sensation...I have no idea. It’s this weird orange concoction she got the recipe for while traveling to...where was it...Takodona. But it does help. Just takes a few hours and some aspirin.” 

     “I don’t remember the last time I got drunk enough to get hungover.” He suddenly said. 

     “Is that because it was the last time you got blackout drunk? And it cause the blackout to also take the hangover memories?” 

      He chuckled. “No. Just never been a fan of drinking until your drunk.” 

      “Fair enough. I only like drinking wine. It’s the only thing that won’t give me a hangover. Last night, well let’s just say Mara wasn’t in the mood for wine.” 

      “That Mara girl seems wonderful.” 

      I smiled as I thought of her, “she’s my best friend, I love her to death. And she is one of those who is ride or die, whatever the hell that means. She reminds me of your knights.” 

     “What do you mean?” 

     “When you first came in, all six of them wouldn’t leave the medbay until they knew you were okay. They seem very loyal.” 

     “They are.” 

     “And when you fell ill with the fever, one of them was there.” 

     “Which one?” 

     “He’s the only one that I caught his name. It was...it was Daval Ren.” 

     He smiled softly. “He was the first to swear allegiance with me. One of the most loyal people you can ever meet.”

     “He seemed like it. Wanted to come into the room when I quarantined you. He seemed scared.” 

     “He never brought it up.” 

     I thought for a moment on that. “Maybe he didn’t want to scare you?” 

     “Scare me? How? I’m not afraid of anything.” He said rather smugly. 

     “Alright Kylo Ren, master of the knights of Ren, so you don’t get scared? Then how about I get a few more needles in here and test that theory?” 

      He chuckled. “Alright. Alright. I might be scared of something, but…” 

     After he fell quiet, I said, “maybe you should speak with him about it? Might do you both good?” 

     “Maybe.” 

     “ _ Hmn _ .” 

     “What.” 

     “I’m growing on you, Kylo Ren.” 

     “Yeah?” 

     “Yeah.” 

     “Well, I’m growing on you too.” I chuckled at that comment, cause it was true.


	5. The Dinner Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo treats me for dinner, and we really start to get to know one another. Then I have a realization about our relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may be a little slow, but who wouldn’t want a date with Kylo Ren? Okay maybe not everyone but still! -Indigo

_ “We were together. I forget the rest.” - Walt Whitman.  _

  
  


     As I went in to my quarters to get ready, I couldn’t help but feel the overwhelming weight of my nervousness. It was the same as a ton of bricks. My thoughts ran through my head like it was a marathon and every one of them was trying to win the race.  _ What if I’m getting over dressed? What if I spill something? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I ruin it all? _

     I knew one thing however; I was going to need some wine. I figured that my cheap wine from the “approved catalog” wouldn’t be quite appropriate for this, so I pulled out the Naboo White and put it on my counter. In my mind, it  _ was _ a rainy day. 

     By the time I threw on the red dress and fluffed my hair, my hands were shaking like I was in the freezing temps of Hoth. I looked at myself in the mirror, and said, “it’s...just...dinner. No big deal.” Then I looked at the dress. “This is way too much.” I proceeded to unzip it. 

    “Sorry Mara. Another time.” I took it off and threw it on my bed. Then I clawed to the back of my closet to find a little black dress that seemed for suitable. It was an A-line dress without sleeves. It showed off my curves without showing too much. Once it was on, I felt a lot better. Then I looked at the time. I only had ten minutes to get there. “Shit!” 

     I quickly dabbed on some lipstick, grabbed the wine, and ran out the door in my black heels. I couldn’t believe I was running late, again. My nerves kicked into overdrive as I ran to closest elevator. Tapping my foot as I waited for the right floor, I couldn’t help but stare at my watch.  _ I can’t be late!  _ I thought to myself. 

     Then the doors opened. A pair of stormtroopers were behind it. I swallowed as said, “excuse me.” I squeezed pass them as I bolted down the right hall. I was panting as I finally knocked on his door. I fiddled with my a strand of my hair as I waited a moment for him to answer the door. 

     When he did I had to double take. Instead of his normal robes and helmet, he wore a handsome, black suit. His hair was neatly combed to perfect fluffiness and was clean shaven. I smiled and the nerves was taken down a notch. “Hi.” 

    I couldn’t help but notice when he looked me up and down. It was the first time he had seen me outside of scrubs. I couldn’t lie, it felt good to have a very handsome man check me out. He swallowed and said, “umm...come in.” 

    “I...brought this.” I said as I showed him the wine bottle. 

    “I thought I wrote ‘for a rainy day?’” He said as he took it to the fridge to get cold.

    “You did, but I only drink socially. And Mara isn’t a white wine kind of gal.” I clasped my hands behind my back to try and hide their shaking. “Plus I thought it would be nice with dinner.” 

    He had a small smile. “I just ordered it so it should be here soon. Do you want something to drink while we wait.” 

    “Sure, can I get a glass of water.” My throat was parched from running all the way over here. I looked out of the view port as he poured me a glass. We had left the Hoth system, so all there was, was stars. Thousands of them. “Wow.” 

   “View always changes.” Kylo said as he handed me my glass. 

   “I’m sure it does, but...I get it can still take your breath away. It...it reminds me of home.” 

   “Where’s home?” 

   I glanced at him when he asked me that. Like he wasn’t just asking me. “Tatooine. At night when my father would tell me stories, we would look at the stars. Thousands of them, just like this. Seems like such a long time ago.” 

  “When was the last time you saw it?” 

  “About...about six months before med school, so  _ six years _ ago.” 

  I could see out of my peripherals that he was staring at me. Then he said, “that’s a long time.” 

  “Yeah. When I was there  _ all _ I could think about was getting out of there. And now...now that I’m out,” I paused to look at him, “I can’t help but want to go back” 

  We sat in that comfortable silence for a few moments. Looking at the stars. Even when looking out into the vastness of space, I didn’t feel all that lonely. 

  Then there was a beep at the door. Kylo put his glass down at the dining table and said, “I’ll get it.” 

  I walked towards the table.  _ Set for two _ . I thought to myself. Then Kylo brought the tray and put it on the table. I said to him, “I can get the wine-“ 

  “I can get it. Just sit.” 

  I smiled softly. “Okay.” I couldn’t help but be impressed. He was quite the gentleman when he wanted to be. 

  As he poured my glass of white, he said, “I wasn’t sure what you like so...I kind of got one of everything.” 

  I chuckled, “well I’ve never had the executive menu so, I’m willing to try anything.” 

  He opened up the tray and pulled out six dishes of food. After a glass of wine and eating the first course, the nervousness that I had before seemed to melt away.

  “Which planet was your favorite to visit?” I asked him. 

  After thinking about it, he said, “Naboo.” 

  I smiled thinking of the stories of Padme Amidala. “Why is it your favorite?” 

  He thought for a moment. “Despite its history, it’s peaceful. One of the few places where I felt safe enough to forget about my troubles.” 

  “Sounds wonderful. Ever since I first read about Padme Amidala as a girl, I’ve wanted to visit it. See the palace. The famous falls. Lake country. All of it.” 

  Kylo chuckled at my enthusiasm. “Why haven’t you gone?” 

  “You do realize who we work for? I’m  _ lucky _ to get a few days off to have my quarters to myself, let alone enough to travel. You know  _ dear old _ Hux, ‘there’s a war on! No time for dilly dallying!’”

  Kylo flat out laughed at my terrible impression.  _ Laughed _ ! And I laughed with him. I don’t think I heard him actually laugh for real before then. I definitely wanted to hear more if it. 

  Then he asked me, “Do you want me to do something about it?” 

  “What? No. No. I’m just whining about it. I’m saving up vacation days as we speak. Enough to spend a few weeks with my father. Maybe I’ll travel to Naboo then.” I took another sip of my wine as the droid came back to take our empty tray. Then I proceeded to pick up the plates. 

  “You don’t have to-“ 

  “Ren. You hosted, I might as well wash the dishware. I may have been raised on the outer rim but I  _ was _ taught manners.” Before he could say anything back, I swiped the dishes off the table and took them to the sink. Once I was finished, the droid was gone and Kylo poured me another glass. 

   “So where is your father now?” He asked as we sat on his couch. 

   I kicked off my heels and said, “He’s currently on Coruscant. He’s a doctor there at a free clinic. He moved there so it would be easier for me to visit if I ever get an off ship day than it would be on Tatooine. My aunt lives there as well. She’s an actress for the opera there.” 

    “Is she any good?” 

    “I haven’t seen her in anything in a long time, but I think so. She was always a supporting role or in the ensemble. I thought she was brilliant in a play that was written by a Naboo playwright however.” I stared out to the view port again to think of the name. “Shit.” I laughed. “I forgot the name of it.” 

    He chuckled at me. “What’s the plot?” 

    “Hmm...it was a tragedy. Started with a opera house changing managers and they lose their lead, so they find a ballerina who has a beautiful voice to play. This catches the attention of the...of the ‘ghost’ who haunted the opera house. It sparks a forbidden romance that could never be.” 

     I looked back at him to see him staring at me. If my face weren’t red from the wine, they I would be blushing, hard. He looked away from me and I took a bigger sip of wine. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen an opera.” 

     “ _ Really _ ?” I asked. He then nodded as he took a sip of wine as well. “I think a night at the opera is something else. My aunt always makes a big deal out of it when she would take us on nights she wasn’t performing. We would wear our most formal wear and enjoy the three hour long performances together.” 

     “I’ve heard that their boring.” 

     I scoffed. “ _ Well _ , whoever told you that was either lying or had never seen one. Because once you see it, you can  _ not _ call it ‘boring.’”  

     “Maybe I will then.” 

     “You should. Their brilliant if you ask me. The music, the costumes, the singing. It’s all...it’s almost like  _ magic _ .” 

     “Magic?” He asked in slight disbelief. 

     “Yes magic. It takes your mind off of problems by seeing a story about people and love and loss. It’s...its-“ 

     “Escapism.” 

     “Exactly.”

     “Why would want to you escape?” 

     I laughed. “That’s a loaded question. What about you?” 

     He reacted by pouring himself some more wine. “Long story.” 

     “I get that. My life is filled with long stories. As yours as well.” 

     “So it was your father?” 

     “What about him?” 

     “Why you became a Doctor.” 

      I smiled at the thought. “Yeah. I’m a Doctor like my father before me. And his father before him.”  

      “What about your mother?” 

      “Another long story.” 

      He smiled again. I was learning to really like that smile. “Then give me the short version.” 

      “See Ren. I  _ am _ growing on you.” 

      “You still hasn’t answered.” 

      My smiled disappeared. “ _ Short version _ ...okay. My mother when I was little got mixed up with some really bad people. My father and I don’t know who they were, but they wanted her dead. So she left. Never to see her again.” I finished the glass. 

      I think that was when he opened up. Even the smallest bit, because he said, “My father traveled all over the place for work. I never really saw him, and my mother...she worked. A lot. I spent a lot of time not being around them as a kid, and I was shipped off to school off planet when I was thirteen.” 

      “I’m sorry.” 

      “Don’t be.” 

….

 

      We went late into the night like that. Just talking on his couch and enjoying the stars. Long after the wine was gone, we fell back into a comfortable silence. “I’ve been here for hours.” 

      “It doesn’t felt like it.” 

      “And yet, It has. I need to go soon.” 

      “Why?” 

      “ _ People _ would be suspicious if i walked about of here in the clothes I walked in with  _ tomorrow _ morning.” He smirked at that comment. 

      “Technically,” He said as he looked at the time, “it’s already tomorrow.” 

      I looked at my watch. It as half past 0100. I sighed. “As much as I would love to stay like this forever. I have another shift tomorrow.” 

     “And I have a mission to prepare for.” 

     “When are you leaving?” 

     “Not for another week.” 

     “I bet you can’t tell me where.” 

     He shook his head. “Can we do this again? Later this week?” 

     I smiled. “I’d love to.” 

     “You don’t need to leave  _ now _ do you?” 

     “Yeah...but I don’t want to.” 

     “Neither do I.” In that moment, I felt something I don’t think I ever felt before. I couldn’t even name it. I felt my insides get all fluttery and warm. Wanting something to become more between us. But...I knew that it couldn’t happen. 

     I was a respected doctor yes, but he was the commander. The Supreme leader’s second. He was the man of high stature only set to go further, and me? I was the doctor that could patch anyone up. Sure I could become a leader in the medical division, but nothing compared to what he was. Or how he was valued. I would settle to being his friend. I was lucky to be his friend, because if it weren’t for those damned Wampas, we wouldn’t be here like this. 

     I wouldn’t want to get closer to him. I wouldn’t want to kiss him. I wouldn’t want the possibility of falling in love. But I do, and I don’t want to push my luck. 

     “Kylo?” 

     “Yeah?” 

     “Can you walk me to my quarters?” 

     “Of course.” 

     I slipped my heels back on and we walked quietly out the door. I couldn’t tell you how much I wanted to stay. Or even to lean against him as we walked. To have the feeling of closeness. But I knew that I couldn’t be that for him. And I couldn’t ask him to be that for me. I had no right. 

     In a short time, I was at my quarters. Before I put the code in, he asked me. “Are we...could we be-“ 

     “Friends?” I smiled at him. I can have at least this. And maybe just one thing more. “I think we already are. And you should know something Kylo Ren.” 

    He furrowed his eyebrows at me. “What?” 

    “When I’m friends with someone, it means a great deal to me. I don’t have many. I’ll see you soon?” 

    “Yeah.” I punched the code in and...I couldn’t help but steal something from the damned circumstances. I turned, and before he could do anything, stepped on my top toes to give his pale cheek a quick kiss. “Thank you Kylo. Goodnight.” 

    “Goodnight.” He said with a smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the dress that I pictured reader wearing!   
> https://marketplace.zibbet.com/prom-dresses/cute-a-line-square-neck-short-satin-black-homecoming-dress-pleats-homecoming-dress


	6. The Temple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle gets to see me in action as a doctor as I travel to a temple on a jungle planet for an ermgency. We stir up something very mysterious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Warning! I do go into detail with a serious injury. If you get triggered or grossed out by blood or cutting some of this chapter may not be for you. -Indigo

_ “If love be madness, may I never be sane again.” -John Green _

  
  


   I threw off my dress and shoes at the floor near the foot of my bed. I crawled under my covers and curled up. I was tired, but sleep had yet to come take me and the butterflies in my stomach. Despite the decision I made tonight to be Kylo’s friend, it still felt like a date.  _ And what a date it was! _ I thought to myself. Wine and the stars was all I could picture.  _ And a handsome man to accompany me _ . 

  I turned towards my nightstand and pulled out the handwritten note that Kylo sent with the wine. 

  I smiled at it and traced the signature on the bottom. I couldn’t help but think about who it belonged to. He was a charming man, I could say that much. As well as handsome with a strong nose, sharp jawline, and striking eyes that could make me melt. The most  _ alluring _ thing about him was how when he let go, every emotion could be read across his face. Every joy, frustration, anger, or sadness, you could see it in his eyes and expression.

  I couldn’t help but notice that the expression he seemed to express the most however, was sadness. For someone of his stature in the order and how well known he was, Kylo seemed to be the most lonely person I have ever met. He never like sharing anything personal about himself. If asked, he would shut down, I learned that rather quickly. But there was little things he would let slip by. He had walls that I had never seen in anyone, but somehow,  _ somehow _ he was letting me through, and I didn’t want to pass that up. I had a chance to have some kind of human relationship with him, and I think that he needs it almost as much as I do. 

   Then my datapad chirped. I put the precious note back in the side table and picked up the datapad. It was from Kylo. 

  
  


**Kylo: Are you still awake?**

**Me: Yes. Something wrong?**

**Kylo: I’m sorry to say, but my mission was moved up. I’m leaving tomorrow night.**

**Me: It’s okay. Dinner can wait. You have your job. I understand.**

**Kylo: Thank you.**

**Me: When do you get back?**

**Kylo: In ten days.**

**Me: Dinner then? I’d love to hear about it if its not too confidential?**

**Kylo: Sounds perfect.**

 

  I smiled. And typed some more.

 

**Me: Wonderful. Good luck tomorrow, and goodnight.**

**Kylo: Goodnight.**

 

  I put my datapad down on my side table, and laid there for a few minutes staring at the ceiling. Though I was disappointed about moving the dinner, I was more worried of where he might be going. He was basically a glorified soldier going to fight whatever the first order deemed as a threat. Which, may I add, was often. I just hoped that he  _ wasn’t _ going to be in the medical bay the next time I saw him. 

  Eventually I fell to a dreamless sleep. 

 

…. 

 

Twelve Days Later. 

  
  


  It had been days since Kylo left. I had yet to hear that he’s returned let alone from him. I wouldn’t admit it to anyone but myself, but I was growing worried. I was attending to a officer when Doctor Wichita came into the room. “Yes?” I said to him. 

  “The General has asked for your presence.”  

  “I’ll be right there.” 

  “He wants to see you on the bridge.” I was taken aback. It was strange. Medical personnel are rarely ever invited to the bridge, unless it was for an emergency, but Wichita would have told me so. Still I took my datapad and left hastily for the bridge. 

   I had only been there a few times so I knew my way, yet I wondered why Hux asked for me. Once the large doors opened, I saw Hux talking with one of his assistants near the large view ports. We were over a planet filled with green. 

   I walked over and Hux’s demeanor seemed to change once he saw me. He seemed more tense than usual. “General.” I greeted him. 

   As he started to speak, he motioned me to walk with him around the bridge. “Doctor, you may be aware that we have a current mission going on down on the planet below. There has been a development that requires your skill set.” 

   “What do you need?” 

   “One of the men has been seriously injured and cannot be moved. I am sending you effective immediately.” My heart sunk. What if it was Kylo?

   “Of course sir.” We began walking towards the hangar. “May I ask what injury the patient has?” 

    “Several. Our coms have been damaged so we don’t know much. I’m sending you down with a full medical unit as well as a surgery with the surgical droids, though you may be doing some of it yourself.” 

     “I haven’t done a surgery in ages Sir. Are you sure I’m the right-“ 

     “Commander Ren specifically asked for you. And I have complete confidence in you that you are the right one for this.” He explained as we headed towards the medical ship. 

      “Thank you sir.” That was the closest thing I’ve ever heard as a compliment that ever came out of his mouth.

      “Good luck.” 

      I walked up the ramp of the ship with my nerves all over the place.  _ Who was hurt? Would I have to do surgery? What will happen _ ? As I met with Vloni on the ship and the pilot, my heart was thudding hard enough that I could feel the blood rush to my ears. I hated flying in small crafts, but I knew my orders; I had a patient who needed me. Kylo needed me. I couldn’t let my nerves get the best of me. 

 

….

  
  


    Once we made it to the ground, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Amongst the battle field that was scorched by the fight that must have happen sat below this massive structure. I was made of stone and covered in vines and plants. The forest had taken over most of it, yet it still stood taller than far above the trees. I gripped my medical bag in the heat, yet I was awed by the beauty of this ancient structure. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. 

    I turned to Vloni, “we’re ready Doctor. The patient should be inside.” 

    “Of course, but I was told to wait for Commander Ren.” And if it was fate, I saw a familiar chrome face emerge from the entrance of the temple. 

    Vloni and I walked quickly to meet him in the center of the field. Now was the time to start my work. “Doctor.” The modulated voice was still jarring to me, but I was happy to see Kylo was okay. 

    “Commander. What happened?” 

    “There was a cave in a few days ago that trapped three of my knights. We have managed to free them, but one of them is seriously injured. We need you to help us get him out.” 

     “I thought you said he was free?” 

     “He would be if his leg wasn’t under a ton of rock.” My heart sunk again. That’s why Hux sent the surgical unit. 

     “Lead the way.” Then we entered the temple. Due to the rock, the temperature was significantly lower than it was outside. Carvings Of ancient letters and paintings scattered the walls as Kylo led us deep into the temple. There were a few lanterns posted, but it was still hard to see. I stayed close to Kylo, even though he blended well into the dark with his black robes. Then we found our way to a large room. On the end of it was my patient. 

     I recognized the discarded helmet. It was Deval. I rushed to him as the field medic filled me in. Kylo just watched. 

    “He’s lost a lot of blood. I’ve hung my last unit for him, but he can’t last much longer if we can’t get him out.” 

   I nodded at the medic and barked orders. “I need you to head back to the medical ship. Prepare the surgical droids. And bring back more blood. Vloni go with him and set up the med comms.” I adjusted the makeshift tourniquet and added a proper one from my bag. Deval moaned in pain. “Deval? Do you remember me?” 

   “You’re...you’re the doc that saved Kylo.” 

   “I am.” 

   “Then I’m lucky. Think I’ll live?” 

   “I’m going to try to make sure that happens. Just keep talking Okay?” I waved Kylo over, who had since removed his mask. I whispered to him, “how long has his leg been under this thing?” 

   “Four hours I think. As we were trying to break in, there was a quake and this column came down.” 

   I shook my head. “This isn’t good. There’s no lifting this thing. Im...im going to have to amputate.” Kylo’s face fell. Hard. This was something that he didn’t want to happen. “I need to tell him, but I need your help.” He nodded and spoke to Deval.

   “Deval...I’m sorry…” Kylo looked at me looking for words. 

   “Deval.” I started to speak. “We can’t free you without amputation. I’m so sorry but in order to save your life I’m going to have to do this.”

   “What? No...no I need my leg.” 

   “I know. But...there’s no time to wait for a proper evac team. You have no time.” 

   “Listen to her.” Kylo pleaded. 

   My comms started to beep as I said to Deval. “I’m going to make it as quick as possible, then we’re going to get you to the surgical unit. Your going to be okay.” 

   “I can’t...I can’t…” then he proceeded to pass out. 

   “Deval!” Kylo was starting to panic. 

   I yelled into my comm. “Vloni where are you? I need the amputation kit now. And more blood.” 

   “I’m here.” She said as she came into the room. She quickly handed me a trauma gown and I threw it over my clothes. 

   “Kylo. I know you  do not want to be here for thia, but I need yo to Go get a few more of the knights. After I get his leg off I need to get him out of here as soon as possible. Vloni and I can’t carry him in our own. Go.” With the panic still on his face, he left the room to go get the others. 

    Then we proceeded with the amputation. This was my least favorite part of the job. Injuring for the sake of saving a life. I was halfway cutting through the muscle of the leg when Kylo and the knights returned. They all had their masks off and looked worried. It was the first time seeing all of their faces together. Then Kylo asked me, “how much longer?” 

     “I’ll be cutting the bone in the next few minutes, you all may want to step out into the hallway or turn around.” 

     One of the knights spoke up, “Why?” 

     I grew irritated. “Do you really want to watch me cut off your friend’s leg?” 

     The man never spoke again. As I worked, I felt their eyes stare at me like they were trying to bore holes into my head. Then I was ready to cut the bone. I pulled out the saw and announced, “I’m going to cut the bone now. Once it's done I need him out of here and to the surgical unit.” I expected for them to leave the room but they stayed, the three knights I didn’t know turned around, but Kylo only kept watching. I knew his stubbornness. He couldn’t look away. 

      I turned to Vloni, “hold the leg down. Get ready.” I turned on the saw and felt the buzzing in my hand. I tried with every fiber of my being to keep my hands still. I hadn’t cut bone since I was in med school, and on a cadaver at that. I took a breath. I knew that this was the choice I’ve made. It was his leg or his life. 

        After a painstaking few minutes of cutting into the thick bone, the leg below the knee was off. Deval was free from the stone trap. The remaining knights took him away from it and Vloni went with them out of the temple. 

         Kylo and I were alone in the room. I put away the saw and took off the gown as well as my gloves. I realized that even in the cold air of the temple, a few bits of my hair was slicked to my forehead. Kylo still stood there in shock. “I'm sorry.” I said to him quietly. 

         I stood and gathered the medical supplies in my bag as he spoke back. “How do you do it? How do you deal with that?” 

         I grimmanced. “To be honest. I don’t know. It’s a part of the job. But we get through it somehow.”

         “We need to go.” He said suddenly. 

          I was confused on why, but as  I was about to walk out, a sudden rumbling began in the distance. “The hell?” I said. 

          Then the earth beneath me moved. Shook. Trembled. Every sense of the word. I lost my balance and Kylo caught me. “We need to leave. Now.” He said as he didn’t let go of me and rushed me out of the temple. The place still shook around us as we started running. Who knew if the place would crush us like it crushed Deval.  Running while the floor beneath me moved was a challenge in itself. I relied on Kylo’s strong stature as we made our way towards the last door way. Then all I heard was a crumbling of stone and my memory goes black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had some fun with this chapter. And I no I’m leaving y’all on a cliff hanger! (*insert evil laugh here) Will post next part soon!


	7. The Relic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A vision takes a hold of me, and Kylo tries to find a way to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long gap since the last chapter. Going to try to post once a week to two weeks from now on. Enjoy!- Inidgo

_ Storms make trees take deeper roots.” -Dolly Parton  _

  
  
  


    All I felt was cold when I opened my eyes. I laid on the cold stone floor of the temple alone wondering where I was now. Then I heard hushed voices. “Hello?” I asked. As I stood to investigate, it felt like hot air filled my head and I stumbled as I walked along the dark room. My feet moved as if there was heavy shifting sand surround them. 

    Then I heard a great crash. I turned around and looked up. Four red streaks of light burst cross the sky and rammed themselves in to four planets. I gasped as I saw the explosions. I was thrown to the ground and I felt the crunch of fresh snow. I looked up again and saw a blue and red light. I couldn’t make out what it was, but the electricity in the air made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. It was as if two storms suddenly started fighting with bolts of colored lighting. 

     I stood and started running in the opposite direction when I heard a familiar scream. I couldn’t place who it was, but it was a man. Suddenly I was in the crisp, dry air of the Finalizer again. But it was far from calm. The walls and floor shook as the ship was in battle. Sparks were flying as personnel ran past me. Then the lights went out. 

     I stopped in the dark panicking. Then, I heard a raspy voice. My body turned what seemed to be on its own accord when I saw a old and ragged form. Then I recognized the voice. It was supreme leader Snoke. Though I could hear him speaking, it was like trying to listen to a whisper during a violent storm. Then a spark of blue light lite his face up.  I screamed in horror as I saw the supreme leader be impaled by a blue sword made of light. Snoke stared out in shock in my direction as he died. I backed away from him when I saw several of his red guards surround me. Weapons drawn. Anger filled the room. As one was about to strike. I screamed again, only to awake in a shock from a dream that felt all too real. 

    I was back in the medical ship. I was on one of the patient beds breathing hard. Then I heard Vloni’s voice. “Hey! Calm down. It’s alright.” 

    I sat up and looked around to see the Kylo stood on the other side of the room watching me with distress in his eyes. “What happened?” I asked. 

    “There was another quake and you passed out. Fortunately we got out in time.” Kylo said in a flat, monotone voice. 

    “You seem to be alright. Thankfully no head injury. You just fainted for some reason.” 

    “What do you mean I don’t have a head injury? I passed out.” 

    “The droid checked you out. Other than that, there’s nothing wrong.” 

    I shook my head. “That’s impossible.” 

    Kylo cleared his throat. “That may be because of the gas.” 

   “Gas?” 

   “After the collapse, I sent in a small droid to investigate and it said there was invisible gas.” 

   “He’s right,” Vloni added, “I checked your blood and there’s revenants of a strong chemical. Luckily, it doesn’t seem to have any other effects.” 

    “How long was I out? How’s Deval?” I said panicking again. 

   “The surgical droids did well and we are waiting for the storm to pass in order to leave the planet. He’s stable. You were unconscious for a few hours. ” 

   “Please go check on him. I’ll be there in a minute.” 

   “But-“ 

   “You said I was fine. I’m okay. Go.”  For the second time that day Kylo and I were alone. I was still reeling from what I saw. I couldn’t believe that it was a dream. I couldn’t. 

    “What happened?” Kylo asked. 

    I pulled my hair from my ponytail and started brushing it out of my face to redo it. “I don’t know what your talking about.” I lied. 

   “Do you know what that structure was meant for?” 

   “It looked like a temple.” 

   “It was. But it also housed something. Something of great importance of the force.” 

   “So?” I asked. “It has nothing to do with all of this. I passed out from the gas. That’s it.” 

   “You saw something. And it’s because of this.” He held up a small object. It was very old and had carvings all over it. Similar to the ones from the temple. 

   “It was just a dream.” 

   “It wasn’t. I could sense it. And it terrified you.” 

   “What’s...what’s the purpose of that thing?” 

   “It’s an old relic that is known as an oracle. It can give those who cannot use the force visions of what’s to come. And it showed you something.” 

    I stared back at him in silence. It made some sense. But I didn’t want it to make sense. The vision had so much death and horrors. If it was what is yet come, then I want it to be wrong. I want it to be a dream. “It was just a dream Kylo. Nothing more.” I got off the table and started walking out of the room. Then he grabbed my arm as I passed him. 

    “You and I both know it wasn’t. You don’t have to tell me now, but I know that this isn’t something out can just forget. It showed you the future. It will destroy you from the inside out if you don’t tell someone.” 

    I closed my eyes. It didn’t sit well in my stomach, but I couldn’t just tell him. I face death everyday in my career. But  _ this _ . This was so much different and it wasn’t something I could just sit down and talk with Mara about. Or anyone really.  _ Except _ Kylo. Some how I knew that.  I relented. “Dinner tonight. I’ll speak of it then.” 

    With that I left the room to check on my patient. 

…. 

 

    I entered the room where Deval was resting. Thankfully the First Order had some of the best surgical droids anyone can get. I threw on some gloves to examine him and the wound. I tried very hard to ignore the several pair of eyes that watched me work. Once I was finished, I was asked by one of the knights, “when will he be able to walk again?” 

    I turned and looked at him. He had to be just a few inches shorter than Kylo. He looked cold, but worried. “These things take time. Deval is a fighter and we have some of the best protestics experts on board the Finalizer. He’s in good hands. I’m sure he will start physical therapy within a few weeks.” 

    “When will he be able to fight again?” 

    “Few months in the least. Right now he needs to heal. And as soon as he wakes up he’s going to need emotional support.” 

    “Deval will be fine.” 

    “He just lost his leg. He won’t be ‘fine’. I’ve seen this in a few other patient studies. There’s a good chance that he will have to deal with trauma and the worst fight his life. I suggest you all be here for him.” With that I left the room. From knowing Kylo Ren, it seemed that emotion wasn’t their strong suit, but I knew one thing, they all have a great bond with each other. They would all get through this. Even if their exteriors said otherwise. 

 

….

  
  


   The storm let up enough to get up in the air and off the planet. Deval remained stable and were were about to land in the ship bay when Kylo took me aside to speak. 

   “Come to my quarters right after you are done with the medbay.” He said quietly. 

   “I’ll be there. I just want to take a shower and get out of these scrubs before. Give me an hour okay?” 

   He nodded in response and put his mask back on. Then the ship landed. It was small but well built, still didn’t mean that it didn’t shake. I grasped a handle on the wall welcoming the cool surface. I was so ready for a stable environment again. I went over to Vloni who was readying Deval for transport. “Ready?” She asked. 

    “As ready as I’ll ever be.” Then the large ramp opened to the bay. We walked the gurney quickly as we made our way out of the ship to a team of orderlies and nurses. I started updating them. “Patient has had a leg amputation from below the knee. Surgical droids cleaned up my work but I want scans stat. Also get him more blood and do a full work up. Get him checked into the hospital wing as soon as possible.” 

     Then Hux asked for a moment. I let the team go, promising that I’ll follow them. “How did it all go?” He asked. 

      “One of the Knights Of Ren has lost his leg. He’ll be fine physically. Other than that all went well. Now if you’ll excuse me.” Before he could get another word in, I ran off, not wanting to deal with Hux’s questions. Those could be saved for the next day.

      I stepped into the Medbay and was met with Mara. “Hey. Are you okay?” 

      “I’m-I’m fine. I have a patient.” 

      “You look paler than usual are you sure?” 

      “Yeah. I’ll talk later okay?” 

 

….

  
  


       After finally getting off, I rushed to my quarters. I had some time before meeting Kylo, and I desperately wanted a shower. The heat of the planet below and the unexpected physical activity caused my body to ache in places I didn’t even know could ache. I peeled off my extra layers and put the water at the hottest setting. 

      I let the water pound my back as my mind finally travel back to the vision. The darkness, the destruction, and the death still echoed in my head.  _ Why did it choose me _ ? That was all I could ask myself as I reflected. The one thing that ran in my head over and over was witnessing the destruction of the planets. They looked populated and turned to space dust so easily. How many are going to die? Thousands? Millions? I couldn’t tell but I couldn’t help but imagine the screams. That when I realized that the water went cold and I had started to tear up. I wiped my tears away and turned off the water.

      As I wrapped my towel around myself, I checked my discarded watch. I still has fifteen minutes to get to Kylo. I dried off but left my hair damp. I pulled on a long tunic with sleeves and some soft pants. I threw on my old boots. I didn’t look quite as nice as the dinner before, but after the day I had, I don’t think Kylo would complain. 

     I left my quarters and went along my memorized path. Before I knew it, I was at Kylo’s door waiting for him to let me in. As it opened I saw that Kylo was in some plain pants and a sleeveless shirt. He also had a towel in his hand drying his hair. “Come in.” 

     I went and sat on the couch. I would have normally looked out to the viewport, but I didn’t want to look at the planet. For some reason it gave me a bad taste in my mouth. I rubbed my eyes when I asked, “is that  _ thing _ in here?” 

     “No, I sent it with one of the knights to give to the supreme leader.” 

     “Good.” 

     “Do you want something to drink while we wait for our food?” 

     “Some water please.” I didn’t want to add to my thoughts with drinking. 

     Kylo poured me a glass and handed it to me as he sat down. He didn’t speak or ask any questions. Though I had promise to talk, he was letting me lead this. I took off my boots and put them down at the foot of the couch. I felt a little more comfortable. 

     Then I said, “I don’t have a shift tomorrow but I’m expecting to see Hux about today right?” 

     “He will want an audience with you about it.” 

     “What did you tell him?” 

     “That you saved Deval’s life. You saved my friend. You did good.” 

     I smiled a small smile. “As much as I would think that I did, he still lost a limb.” 

     “He’s alive because of you.” He said assuringly. 

     I took a sip of water and the delivery droid dinged. Kylo went and fetched the food and put the tray out on the coffee table. We proceeded to eat in silence. I enjoyed the sandwiches and the cold bisque. It was a welcomed contrast to the hot humidity of that day. Then Kylo said, “the knights are concerned, but I’ve heard good things about you.” 

     “They actually like me? That’s surprising.” 

     “Why?” 

     “They are very loyal to you, but their incredibly standoff-ish to anyone else. I didn’t expect them to have an opinion of me.” 

     We fell back to quiet. I curled up on the couch feeling small with the weight of what the vision gave me. Once the food was gone, I knew that he was expecting something about the vision. I just didn’t know how to put it to words that wouldn’t terrify him. He didn’t push me and I appreciated it, but I just wanted it to be over. 

     “Does it really show the future?” I said as I pulled my knees to my chest and rested my chin on top of them. My hands started to shake. 

     “That’s what some have said. Premonitions are common among the texts I’ve read.” 

_ Shit _ . I really didn’t want to tell anyone of this vision. It would just make it more real. But I couldn’t keep it in any longer. “I saw death. Destruction. Chaos.” 

      He looked at me with great concern, and yet I continued. “I remember waking up on the cold floor, just to look up to see the red destruction of four planets. Then there was fighting off in a snowy forest. I couldn’t see those who were fighting, but I was red and blue...lightning I think. And before I knew it. I saw Supreme Leader Snoke.” My mouth went dry. But I forced it out, despite the tears leaking from my eyes. “I watched a blue blade cut him in half. I watched him die right in front of me. And that’s when I woke up.” 

      Silence. I expected it. I watched him look at the planet through the viewport. I supposed he just wanted answers just like I did. Then I asked him, “will the supreme leader want to know?” 

       “He won’t believe you.” 

       Tears started to stream down my face. It was an overwhelming truth. I could prevent so much destruction, pain, and death, but I don’t really have the power to do it. “Maybe it’s for the better. If no one believes me, then I can forget about it. Like it never happened.” 

        He stared at me. “But what if it  _ is _ what’s supposed to come?” 

        I shook my head and attempted to wipe my tears. I had no answer to that. “I don’t know.” 

         We sat in the silence for a long time after that. I hardly felt better. I’m sure Kylo now has a lot more on his mind. Why did it pick me? Why did it show me this? 

         “Why did it show me such terrible things when I can’t do anything about them?” I thought out loud. 

          “Maybe you were meant to?” 

          “It was Fate? Then fate is cruel.” 

          “Not fate...maybe the force.” 

          “Then the force is cruel.” 


	8. The Haircut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During my recovery from my vision. Dealing with Hux. Finding some solace with Kylo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Just letting you know that Wednesday nights will be the time I post chapters. Will try to keep up! Plus sorry for the short chapter. It wanted it to be short but sweet. Something lighter in between the last two heavy chapters and what’s to come!- Indigo

     “You may not end up where you thought you were going, but you will always end up where you were meant to be…” - Unknown

  
  
  


     Two days after the vision, Hux called me to his office to discuss what happened in the temple. I put on my best clothes and my freshly pressed lab coat. I was waiting patiently at his door while he was having a word with someone else. I Fidgeted with my hair as I waited.

      My thoughts were constantly on the vision I had before, which made sleeping almost impossible. At that point, I was running on maybe three hours of restless sleep. Still I had my notes handy of the day in question. And Vloni’s as well. The sweetheart sent them to me after hearing about the audience with Hux.

          I knew what I had to talk about. All medical which thankfully I can practically speak in my sleep. Which was entirely possible. Then one of Hux’s assistances rose from her desk and said, “The General is ready to see you Doctor.”

         I said “thank you,” and went inside. I was surprised to see Kylo was there as well. I then greeted them despite my surprise. “Commander. General.”

         “Doctor. Take a seat.” As I sat down, I glanced at Kylo. When he had his mask on, the only indicator of his emotions was in his body language. In this particular moment, he stood still with his hands in tight fists. He was breathing as if he was trying to keep his temper. Hux must have been getting on his nerves.

        I opened my notes and we began talking about the mission. It was basic housekeeping. Hearing times of when we got there. When we first entered the temple. How much resources were used. Then Hux started asking questions about the procedure and why I chose it. As I thought about my words, I noticed Kylo shift his weight. It wouldn’t be an easy story to tell in this audience.

        I then spoke, “the patient was in a great deal of pain. His leg from about an inch below his knee was crushed underneath a stone column. After learning how long his leg was underneath there, I knew there was no saving it. In order to save his life I had amputate.”

        “Right. And how did that go.”

        “Successfully sir. The patient-“

        “Explain it doctor. For the record.”

         I nodded and went into exhausted detail of the ordeal. After that, Hux seemed to be satisfied. “I’ll be off to my shift now sir.”

         “Be sure to have a final written report on my desk by next week.”

         “Of course.” I said as I shook his hand then I left the office. I heard Kylo and Hux exchange a few words as I left. I was halfway down the hallway when I heard Kylo call my name.

         “How are you?” He asked. We had barely spoke since the night of the vision.

        “Better than I felt yesterday. But not great.”

        “You look like you haven’t slept.”

         I shook my head, “I’m fine. It’s just some bad dreams. They go away eventually, right?”

       “In my experience, they only get worse.”

       I looked at my watch, “I have to go. I’ll talk with you later alright?” He nodded and let me go. I walked back to the med bay hopeing that I wouldn’t cry. I didn’t want these things to get in the way of my work, but most of all, I didn’t want Kylo to see me cry.

       I hated letting people see my cry. The vulnerability of the state makes me just feel more awful about myself than I already did. For some reason I didn’t want Kylo to see that side of me yet. It was the only thing I was afraid to show him.

  
  


….

  
  


    Three Weeks Later

  
  


    I was getting through my morning in the medbay when Kylo messaged me.

  
  


  Kylo: Lunch?

 

   I smiled.

 

   Me: Love to. Be there when I get on Lunch break.

  
  


   I went on with my charts waiting anxiously for my lunch break to start. Thankfully I was starting to feel normal again. The nightmares of the vision had already started to fade away. Kylo was helping too. The other day he taught me about meditation.  

    “Meditation?” I asked with my eyebrow raised,

    “It helps.” He insisted. “Come. Sit on the floor with me and I’ll show you.” We ended up on his living space floor sitting cross legged across from each other barefoot. “Just sit and relax.”

     “Easier said than done.” I closed my eyes trying to relax. The quiet always somehow gets me. I swallowed hard as thoughts about the vision started again. I was fine when I was doing something, but when I was alone or even just sitting still...my thoughts go back to it. After a few minutes, I said, “I still don’t see how this helps.”

    “Focus on your breathing. In and out slowly. Focus only on that.” I breathed in and exhaled slowly. Then I repeated.

    With the focus on that, I soon found myself in a tranquil state. We spent a good while like that, and I found myself for the first time forgetting the experience I had. After that I was practicing this every day when I could.

     Once my break was on, I left quickly for Kylo’s quarters. I had an hour, but I was excited to see him for any amount of time. Soon I was in front of his door knocking. It opened but he wasn’t there. I walked in and said, “Kylo?”

     “Be right there!” He yelled from one of the other rooms. I went and sat on the couch. I saw that the food for lunch was already on the table, but I wanted to wait. I flipped through some of my charts on my data pad as I waited.

      “Am I early?” I asked.

      “It’s fine.” He said as he walked out. He was in his casual clothes and his hair was visibly damp. I smiled when I saw him.

      We proceeded to eat as he asked me about Deval. “He’s doing really well. The specialist has already fitted him for a prosthetic.”

      “Good.”

      “I know you’re worried. He’ll be back to fighting as a knight sooner than you think.” He smiled at me in response. “By the way, your hair is looking like it’s getting a little long. Planning on cutting it?”

      “Soon. Although I despise doing it.”

      “You do it yourself?”

      “I don’t trust just anyone with my hair.”

      I laughed. “I could do it.” I offered.

      “What?”

      “Yeah. I use to cut my father’s hair all the time.” He raised his eyebrow at me. “You just want a trim right? I can do it right now.”

      “You’re serious?”

     “Yeah why not? Don’t you trust me?”

     “With my life? Yes. My hair…”

     “Kylo! Come on.”

     “Just a trim.” He finally agreed.

     I grinned. “Great, I need a towel, a comb, and some scissors.”

     “Fresher. In the cabinet to the right of the sink.”

      I kept smiling when I went to his fresher to fetch the items. His fresher was huge with black tiles and marble. With a large glass shower and black cabinets. It was gorgeous. So much nicer than mine. I found the items quickly and returned to the living area.

       “Okay.” I threw the towel around his shoulders and moved my hand towards his head.

       “What are you doing?” He asked.

       “Seeing what I have to work with.” I used my hand to brush through his soft locks. He looked at me expectantly as I moved around him. I was mesmerized by the softness of it. He definitely took care of it.

        I was behind him when I picked up the scissors as he reminded me, “just a trim.”

        I chuckled. “I know. Relax.” With that I with started trimming section by section. We fell into that comfortable silence again. Eventually the small bits of hair was piling around the floor, and I was almost finished. “I feel sorry for your hair.”

         “What? Did you do something-“

         I laughed. “No! It's fine right now. I was just saying you keep it hidden all the time under that mask of yours. Since you take care of it so well shouldn’t you want to show off?”

           This was one of those moments when his guard was down. He said, “I don’t like to show my face to people.”

            I paused thinking of how to respond. “Why?”

            “I look too much like my father.” I nodded.

            After a long pause I said to him, “when I was a teenager, I hated my mom. For leaving that is. I remember what she looked like, and as I got older, I saw more of her in the mirror. I was really angry that she left me. So you want to know what I did in an act of teenage rebellion?”

             “I’m afraid to ask.”

             “I dyed my hair blue,”

              He laughed. That beautiful laugh of his. I chuckled with him and smiled seeing the lighter side of him. “I would have never gotten away with that as a kid.”

              “Well you should have seen the look on my father’s face, it was priceless.”

               Soon I was finished with the trimming and brushed through Kylo’s Hair again. Then he asked me, “how’s the damaged?”

               I rolled my eyes at him. “Take a look for yourself.” He took off the towel and handed it to me. He stood up and I was reminded how much he towered over me. At least a foot taller. Then he walked over to the fresher mirror and took a look at my work. I could see that we was hiding his surprise. “Well?” I asked.

                He smiled. “Couldn’t have done better myself.”

                “You should trust people more. You never know how they’ll surprise you.”

                “I don’t trust people,” his smile dropped in the seriousness, “but I trust you.”

                “And I, you.”


	9. Coruscant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something bad happens and Kylo gets me to Corusaunt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late post. The week got away from me. Promise for a quick follow up!-Indigo   
> .

_ “You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.” -Ernest Hemingway  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


    One Month Later 

  
  


    I was spending a mandated day off in my quarters. One of the few where Mara was on a shift, so I decided to spend it reading. It was well past dinner time. I was enjoying some tea and I was halfway through my book when I got a notification. 

    It was a holochat from my aunt on Coruscant. I placed the data pad in the table in front of me and answered it, “aunt Lena? I wasn’t expecting a call.” 

    “I know dear. How are you?” 

    “Good.  What’s going on?” 

    I could see her grimace with worry through the holo. “It’s about your father.” 

 

….

  
  


    I walked hastily through the ship without thinking about my destination. I was on autopilot as I walked through the halls. I barely reminded myself to put on some shoes. I was just in some pants, a shirt, and a sweater. I couldn’t tell you how long I was walking, but I found myself knocking on Kylo’s door hoping he was there. 

    To my surprise he was, just not behind it. He was walking in the hallway towards me. “What’s wrong?” He asked after he took off his mask. 

    “I...can we talk inside.” I said quickly and without thought. 

    As Kylo guided me inside, I realized that I was shaking. “You look like a ghost. What happened?” 

   I started to speak rapidly. “My aunt. She called. My father. He was attacked. And hurt. Really hurt. I...I need to go see him, but I don’t even know where to even begin arranging to go back or anything, and I’m beyond worried. He might be _dying_.” 

    That’s when Kylo put his hands on my shoulders to get me to stop. He just looked me in the eye and said calmly. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take you myself, now. Allow me to pack something’s for a few days and we’ll go back to your quarters for the same. Everything is going to be alright.” 

    In that calm, I felt myself be able to breath again. I sat on the couch staring at the view port as he got ready, I couldn’t believe it honestly. _My father, a doctor for stars sake, was terribly injured and now Kylo Ren was going to fly me to Coruscant._ _ How did my life end up like this?  _

     Kylo emerged in much more casual clothes than his normal robes and carrying a small duffel bag. The only that remained of his normal clothes was his cowl that rested on his shoulders. “I've already let your supervisors know that you will have the next week off. My personal ship is being ready as we speak. Let’s get your things and we’ll go.” I stood and we left. I still felt like I was shaking, but his calm seemed to be helping. Like cool water on a smoldering fire. 

     This time I lead Kylo to where I lived. It didn’t take us long. I let Kylo in quickly as I said, “I’m sorry about the mess, I wasn’t expecting company.” I didn’t turn as I ran to my room.

      I grabbed my bag that I took with me from Tatooine and threw it on my bed, I grabbed a few sets of clothes and any other necessities. I was almost finished in a few minutes when I looked for the last thing. I knew that Kylo probably wouldn’t like that I would have it, but I knew I couldn’t leave the safety of the Finalizer without it. I dug through my closet and my drawer in my side table when I realized where it was. I crawled to the floor and felt underneath the bed when I felt a cool metal box. I slide it out and put in a 5 digit code. It opened to my blaster my father gave me when I left for med school. I felt a strange calm as i held it. I checked it safety.  _ On _ .  _ Fully charged _ .  _ Ready to protect me _ . I remembered what he told me all that time ago.  _ “Take this and keep yourself safe my dear. _ ” 

       I changed out of the comfy pants I was in and put on some more sturdy ones for travel with a belt that had my holster. I put the blaster in and took my bag. I threw on a large coat and scarf to conceal the holster and went back into my living area. As I went and grabbed my data pad to take with me, I told Kylo. “Let’s go.” 

        He looked me up and down again and his eyebrows furrowed in a mix of confusion and worry. “You have a blaster?”

_ How in all hell could he see that _ ? I thought to myself, but I put it to the back of mind. “If I leave the ship for personal matters I take it with me. I know how to use it. It’s for my safety. Now can we go?” 

        He nodded and we left my quarters in a hurry. The ship was lulling into its night cycle, so thankfully we didn’t see many in our path towards the ship bay. As promised Kylo had a ship ready for us. It was sleek and silver. Beautiful in the eyes of a ships enthusiast. Kylo was given an update by one of the ship’s technicians saying it was ready to go and we boarded. 

        The inside of it was similar in the sleek and clean design on the outside. Kylo took me to the cockpit of the ship as he sat down in the pilot’s seat. “Wait. _You’re_ flying us?” 

         “Didn’t I make that clear?” He said as he started the engines up. I sat in the seat next to him and looked out the view ports in front of us. 

         “I guess we both surprised each other tonight.” I thought allowed as I sat down next to him in the copilots chair. I was nervous to say the least. With my thoughts with my father, I didn’t even think about flying in small craft. “Your pretty good at flying one of these right?” 

          “I was taught by a couple of the best pilots in the galaxy so I would say so.” The ship roared to life and closed up. My hands gripped the arm rest tightly. 

           “Stars I hope so,” I mumbled. Then the ship flew out of the bay and into the blackness of space. It was a bit rough, but once we were out of the gravity fields of the finalizer, it stood still. Kylo pressed all sorts of buttons and flipped a few switches. 

            Then he said, “get ready. We’re going into hyperspace.” 

             I swallowed hard and took a breath. Before I knew it, we were off into the incredible speed. After the initial take off, the ship seemed to calm down. I, however, did not. “How does anyone do this?” 

             “Do what?” He asked. 

             “Fly.” He laughed at me. “What?” 

             “When you have a patient in front of you, you are one of the bravest people I have ever seen, but in an aircraft?” 

             “Yeah whatever  _ Kylo Ren _ , I just so happen to be scared  _ shitless _ right now,  but what about you and needles?” I reminded him. 

              “This is different.” 

              “No it’s not.” It was my turn to laugh at the expression on his face. 

              “Okay. It’s not.” 

              “Damn strait.” 

               He switched a few more switches and lean back, letting go of the controls. “It will take us about two hours to get there. I would get some rest if I were you.” 

               I nodded an curled up in the seat. Two hours seemed like such a long time to get to my father. I just hoped that he would be okay. 

  
  


…. 

  
  


               I was in the snow again, this time however, there was no lightning fight. It was quiet. I stood up and walked through noticing the trees around me. It was dark yet the still calm was soothing. But then I heard my father call my name from the opposite direction. I tried to run, but something caught my feet. I felt my legs get swallowed up by the ground. I claw the ground around me looking for something to hold on to. Then I wake up to Kylo shaking me by the shoulder. 

             “What...what’s going on?” I asked. 

              He paused looking at me with worry. “We’re here.” I looked out of the viewport. The lights of the city planet were glittering in. Kylo moves through the cockpit gathering some things. Then I noticed that his cowl wasn’t on his shoulders anymore, it was on me as a makeshift blanket. It smelt like smoke and a hint of spice. Then I heard him stepping back towards me. 

             I stood up and handed him the cowl. “You might need this. The clinic is on one of the lower levels.” 

           “No one will no my face, they won’t know who I am.” 

           “No. But unfamiliar people down there make a good target. Just keep you head low. Don’t bother any one. And we’ll be fine.” 

          We walked off the ship and left it with the ship bay attendant. He gave us directions to get to the clinic my father was being treated at. “Why is your father working at a place where he could have gotten hurt?” Kylo asked suddenly. 

          I said to him, as I wrapped my scarf around my head as a makeshift hood, “he wants to help those who can’t normally afford it. To help the little guy. It was supposed to be safe _enough_.” We found the elevator that will take us down to the lower levels, once down there we would have to walk. It was empty when it opened, and the back of it was made of glass so you can look out towards the city. 

          “How are you doing?” He asked. I watched the lights as we descended down. 

          “When I fell asleep, I dreamt that I was in the Forest again. It was calm. But...I heard my father calling for me. And next thing I knew, as I was trying to get to him, the ground was trying to swallow me up. That’s all I remember.” 

          “We’re almost there. He’s going to be okay.” 

           I looked at him. “How do you know that? 

          “Because he will.” Then the elevator stopped. The doors opened and we walked out. I pressed my hand against my blaster as we sped through the street just like the man said. My anxiety grew like a hated weed. It just kept coming back no matter how much I tried to get rid of it. 

           Then we found the clinic. We walked through the door and into a busy waiting room. I scanned it for a sign of my father but found someone else. “Aunt Lena!” I rushed to her in a great hug. She squeezed me tightly. 

            When we parted she said, “sweetie I’m so happy your here.” 

            “What’s going on with dad?” 

            “They want to take him into surgery.” 

             “What?! What happened to him?” 

            “He was attacked by some gang members that’s all I know. His doctor should be here soon for an update. Who’s this?” She asked when she saw Kylo. 

            I smiled a little bit through the tears. “This is Kylo. He has connections. He flew me here as soon as I told him.” 

           “Thank you.” Lena said to him. Then a man in a lab coat came up to us. 

            We exchanged greetings and he explained what was going on, “your father is in bad shape. He took a few blaster bolts to the abdomen and a stab wound, thankfully he’s stable enough for surgery. But…” 

        “But what doctor?” I asked sternly. 

        “We did a scan of his heart and it may not be able to stand through surgery. It would be a great risk to put him-“ 

        “You just said he was stable enough.” 

        “Stable for now. We need to get him through but we can’t know if he’ll survive. I’m sorry. This may be the last time you see him.” 

         Tears streamed down my face. Kylo pressed a hand to my arm, trying to comfort me, “can I see him.” 

         The doctor nodded and lead me through the doors of the back. I was forced to leave Kylo and Lena behind. He took me into a trauma room where my father was in bed. He was covered in bandages and tubes. But he was still awake. “Dad!” 

         I embraced him gently as he smiled at me. “Darling your here.” He pressed his hand against my cheek. 

        “I’m here. They need to take you into surgery.” 

        “Trust them dear, they’re good doctors.” 

        “They better be.” 

        He wiped a tear from my face. “My love do not worry.” 

        “I have to. It’s my job to worry about you remember?” 

         He chuckled softly. Then the orderly to take him to surgery came in. “I love you sweet girl.” 

         “I love you too. I’ll see you after surgery.” Then they took him. I watched as they wheeled him down the hall. Then a nurse came up to me. 

         “I’m here to take you to your aunt. Come.” She walked me down a few passages to find a lounge that was empty accept for Lena and Kylo. The nurse then left. 

          “He’s in surgery now. Did the doctor say how long?” 

          “It could be hours. Maybe all night.” Lena hugged me again. She was just as worried as I was. “I’ll go and get the rest of us some tea alright. Relax, you must have had a stressful journey.” Then Lena left the room. I sat down out my hands in my face. 

           Kylo sat next to me awkwardly in the slightly too small chair. “How did he seem before going in?” 

           “He was...He was all bandaged up, but if you heard him, you would think he was all right. He was assuring me when I should have assured him. What kind of _daughter_ am I to leave him here?” Tears came back again in full force. I fought to keep myself from sobbing. 

            Then Kylo put his hand on my shoulder and got close. “You did what any sane person would do; You followed your dream. You did something that made your family proud. It’s not your fault with what happened to him. He’s in the best place to survive it. And you showed up. That’s what family is meant to do.” 

             I looked up at him. His eyes were filled with worry, but it made me feel all the more relieved. Then I embraced him in a hug. I wrapped my arms around his neck and burrowed my face into his shoulder. He sat awkwardly there for a moment before hugging me back. It felt good to be surrounded by his big arms. It felt safe. “Thank  _ you _ for showing up for me. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.” I said to him. 

              “I show up. You can count of that.” His said firmly. 


	10. The Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting to hear whether or not my father has survived. And a ghost from the past shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looking to write some one shots! Any suggestions? Leave a comment!- Indigo

   “Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.”-Victor Hugo

  
  
  
  
  
  


              Aunt Lena returned not long after Kylo and I had our moment, and though we had left our embrace, I still craved the feeling of being in his arms. While my heart ached for my father, it was now hurting over a loss I never did lose. I could never have that with Kylo. Love was something I _knew_ he was capable of, but he was still my superior, who knows that kind of future he or the supreme leader had in mind. I’m sure I was and never will be a part of it. Settling for this precious friendship was now painful, but would rather have all that pain than not having the privilege of knowing Kylo at all.

               A few hours had come by and my head was on Kylo’s shoulder. I was almost asleep when the doctor came in. I stood up and waited with baited breath on the news of my father. He said, “he got through surgery. There were some complications, but fortunately he got through. He’s heading towards a hospital room now. You will be able to see him in a few hours once he’s gotten through the recovery ward. Go home. Get some rest..” Sweet relief filled my heart. Aunt Lena hugged me.

             “You both can come with me to the apartment. Rest for a few hours alright? It’s been a long night.” I looked up at Kylo. He smiled down at me and nodded. We left with Lena with hope in my heart.

              Lena has her personal transport ready at the front of the clinic. Lena sat next to her driver while Kylo and I piled in the back seat. We zoomed off for the higher levels of the city. The lights were beautiful to watch especially in the early morning light. The warm orange engulfed the city, yet the busy people never ceased to fly about.

               Despite the small craft, it was a smooth ride. We arrived on a small landing pad to Lena’s building. It was at least a thousand stories high and had a fantastic view of the surrounding sector. We walked out from the pad and into an elevator with glassdoors. Lena punched in a password and we shot up a few more stories. Then the doors opened to Lena’s large apartment.

               It was a familiar space with large couches and plenty of windows showing off the city. It was a three bedroom apartment so it was a modest size. My father and Aunt lived together and kept a room for me.

              Then Lena said, “Kylo can stay in your father’s room. Could you show him?”

               “Of course.”

               Lena left for one end of the apartment while Kylo and I went to the other. We passed the kitchen and the dining space. I had many fond memories here while in med school. Then we were at the two bedroom doors. I opened my father’s for Kylo.  

                “It isn’t much, but you have your own fresher and real bed.”

                “It’s fine.”

                Before heading into mine, I said to him, “thank you again Kylo, you have no idea how much it means to me that you helped me.”

                “You saved my life. I think I owe you just about everything.” I chuckled at him. First time I had laughed since I first heard about my father.

                “I’m going to try to sleep for a few hours.”

                He nodded. “Wake me up when you want to go see him.” Then he went into the room and closed the door behind him. I did the same. I stood against the door for a moment thinking about his words. I did a lot of that back then. I shook my head and took off my jacket and holster. I placed it on the chair of my desk and sat on my large bed.

                 I looked around my room and took in my past. My desk was still neatly organized with some old textbooks. On the wall next to it were pinned up reference pictures of several anatomy scans. The walls were white and had several framed pictures of family. I laid back and stared at the ceiling.

                     I hated the quietness of the place. _It should be filled with mundane noise not this dreaded silence_. I thought to myself. I sat back up and walked to my desk. I looked through the stacks for something. Anything to get my mind off of things. Then I found a sealed envelope. I had never seen it before.

          I sat down on my bed again and debated whether or not to open it. _My name is on it. But I have no idea who sent it. What if it leads to a trap? What if it’s important? This is crazy_. I looked at my watch, I still had a long while before I could see my father. _It couldn’t hurt to just open a letter. Could it_?

          I carefully used my nail and opened the letter slowly. I found a few pieces of paper in it. One regular letter and a key of strange symbols I had never seen before. Then I started to read the letter. I was shocked to see it was from my mother.

           **To my daughter, I’m so sorry for being away for so long. I know that you may not understand completely why I left, but I want you to know that it was for your and your father’s safety. I love you both so much and I am so proud to hear of your doctorate and your new job. You will do wonderfully.**

**But I know you will want answers. In this envelope is a key. You will find another envelope in the living area taped underneath the old cabinet filled with books. Follow the clues and it will lead to a way to find me. I want to see you again my darling, but only if you want to. I will explain everything then. Love, mom.**

          I read and reread the letter again and again. I couldn’t believe it. _Mom wants to see me. After all of these years?_  I then snuck out of my room and into the living room. My heartbeat was thudding in my ears as I looked at the cabinet she talked about in her letter. I knelt on the floor and used my hand to feel the underside of it. It was there. I stared at it while I sat on my knees in the middle of the room. Then I heard Kylo’s voice. “What’s going on?”

        He started me and I stood up. “It’s…”I looked for something to say. But I knew I couldn’t lie to him. “I couldn’t sleep, so I looked through some of my old things. I found this letter from my mother. And she left something underneath this old cabinet.” I handed him the first letter. He scanned it quickly and looked at it with confusion.

    “I thought that you weren’t supposed to come in contact with her?”

    “yeah. That’s what I thought too…” I sighed. “Should I open it?”

    “Do you want to find her?”

    “I don’t know. A part of me wants to...but another wants to forget about her.”

    “I get that.”

    I paused for a moment thinking. “I’m going to wait. Until my dad’s out of the woods. I can’t deal with both right now.”

    Kylo handed me back the papers and I took them back to my room. Then I walked back out to the kitchen. Kylo was still there. “Can’t sleep either?” I asked. He shook his head. “Caff?”

          “Yeah.” I went to the machine and powered it on. I moved through the familiar space with ease. I was happy to be doing something other than worry.

    “How long has she been gone?”

          I stared at the machine while it brewed, my back to Kylo. “I was nine when she left. She had a run in with the people who were after her. She decided to leave for our safety.”

    “I was thirteen when my parents shipped me away. I hated them for it.”

    “I hated my mom for leaving. Their family, but…”

    “you can’t help but feel that they abandoned you.”

    I got caff in both mugs and handed one to Kylo as I sat down. “Then why did I do the same to my _father_?”

    “you didn’t abandon him.”

    “I might as well have. If I didn’t leave him here-“

    “Then you might have been hurt too, or killed.”

    I stared at him. Not sure what to say, then he spoke again.

    “You did what you were meant to. You became a doctor. A _good one_. You have potential and your entitled to be your own person. It was your father’s choice to work in risk. There’s no changing it. You did the right thing by coming back and showing up. My parents wouldn't do that for me.”

    “Why wouldn’t they?” I pushed. I stared at him with a little bit of fear. Wondering if I pushed too hard.

    He stumbled on his words to answer me. “They...they just wouldn’t okay? They aren’t the parents anyone would ask for.”

    “No one’s parents are like that. Every kid wishes that, but...no one is that lucky.” I replied.  

    “Do you think we would be where we are now without them?”

    “No. But we’re not our parents.”

    “No we’re not.”

 

….

  
  


    After a few hours, it was time to go back to see my father. I played with my fingernails in the speeder while I watched the world go by. It didn’t take long to get there, but it felt like hours. As soon as it came to a stop, I rushed out quickly. Quick enough for Kylo to run after me with his long legs. It’s normally the other way around between us.

    I walked through the doors and straight to the front desk. After checking in, the lady asked us to wait for a moment while she fetched for a nurse to escort us in. The only sound that came from me was the tapping of my boot on the tiled floor.

    Kylo noticed. “Relax. You’ll see him soon.”

    I nodded and stopped my tapping. “I just want him to be okay.” Then the nurse returned. She brought with her an orderly and took us through the hospital. Soon I found my father. Still bandaged up and hooked up to all sorts of machines helping him, but he was awake. “Hey dad.” I said cheerfully.

    He chuckled as I gently embraced him. “I told you I was in good hands.”

    “I know. I was worried.”

    Then my aunt Lena walked forward. “How are you?”

    “Could be worse.”

    “Yeah. _Dead_.”

    My father laughed. “That would be worse.” Then he looked up at Kylo. “Who is this?”

    “This is Kylo. A good friend from the First Order. He’s the reason why I was able to get here to see you.”

    Kylo stepped forward to greet him. “It’s good to meet you sir.”

    “Thank you for what you did for my daughter. I don’t know how worried she would be if it weren’t for you.”

    “She would have probably worried herself to death.” Lena interjected.

    “Aunt Lena!?”

    “I wouldn’t be surprised.” Kylo said flatly with a smirk.

    “Am I really that much of a worry wart?”

    “Yes.” They said all together.

    I rolled my eyes when I asked, “have they cleared you to eat yet.”

    “Ice chips for now. They are still running post-op tests on me.”

    “They’ll feed you at least.”

    “I’m not looking forward to it. They food here is horrible. And they wonder why half the time they have to shove it down patients throats.” We all laughed again. The room was so light and happy. Even Kylo had his warm and rare smile.

    “Well I’ll go get you some.” I kissed my father’s forehead, “I’ll be right back.”

    I walked out relieved. _Dad’s going to be okay_. It was like all of my prayers were answered. I walked down the hallway for a little while looking for the ice chips machine. Once if found it, a few droids whizzed by. I didn’t think anything of it. It’s a hospital. Codes happen all the time.

    I took a cup and filled it. Then I walked back. But then I turned the corner towards my father’s room. Nurses were running in. Kylo and Lena both stood in the hallway watching through the door. The ice chips fell from my hands.

    “What’s going on?” I said as I rushed towards the room. Before I knew it Kylo grabbed me and I saw what was happening. “Dad!” I yelled out as I watch them use a defibrillator. I fought Kylo’s arms for a moment as I watched them work on him. Again and again I heard clear and the rush of electricity through his body. Again and again they tried to revive him. Kylo kept hold of me. Somehow he knew that if he let go, I would have gone into that room. Then a spare nurse saw us. She grimaced and closed the rooms curtain, closing off my site to my father.

    I leaned into Kylo. Tears started flowing down my cheeks and I thought my own heart was going to give out. We all stayed silent waiting for the doctors. I knew what I wanted. I wanted my dad to be okay. I wanted him to come home and stroke my hair and tell me stories again.

    Then Kylo guided me to the bench that was nearby. We waited there for what felt like an eternity. I never let go of Kylo. The physical comfort was the only thing that left me standing. Then I whispered, both to myself and Kylo, “I can’t lose him. I can’t lose my dad.”

    Kylo then wrapped his arms around me then. Trying in every way to comfort me in the waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. I know. I know.-Indigo


	11. Unforetold Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My father has taken a turn for the worse, and I try to look for answers on why he was brought within an inch of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Sorry this is a few days late, but I had to deal with some writers block. Thankfully I just had a strike of inspiration on where to take this chapter and the next! Yay! Enjoy!- Indigo

_“Hell is empty and all of the devils are here.” William Shakespeare_

  
  
  


    I watched quietly as they rolled my father back to surgery. Kylo had let go of me and I pressed my hands to my face wet with tears. It hurt. It physically hurt to watch this happen. My father was as close to death as anyone could be, and I was on the edge of being an orphan. The world was falling apart around me and I couldn’t handle it. 

    Then a nurse approached us quietly. I didn’t look up, but I stared at her shoes. Lena asked, “how long?”

    “There’s no telling right now. Hours maybe. We can get you all to a private room if you wish to wait.” Before I knew it, we walked to a small room with some couches. I somehow stopped crying. I guess my body couldn’t supply more tears. I just sat there wishing the pain I felt would go away. Wishing that my worries begone. Wishing that I could be back on the Finalizer with Kylo talking about whatever we wanted. In a room without judgement. Without worry. Without death. But I knew that reality wouldn’t grant me that.

    The quiet seemed to be the only constant I had in those days. It was a small comfort. The only comfort. Then I felt a large hand take mine. I looked down and slowly followed up the arm to see Kylo’s eyes. I blinked at them. Not sure what to say. I wasn’t sure if he knew either, but...he gave me another small comfort. I interlocked my fingers with his trying to silently say thank you. We still sat in silence, unsure of how many more hours I had to wait to see my father again. If I would ever see him again.

 

….

 

    I had fallen asleep on Kylo’s shoulder again when he gently called my name to wake me. For a moment, I had forgotten everything. Then it all came rushing back when I saw the doctor right in front of me. I stood up quickly and held my breath. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to hear what had happened, but I prepared for the worst. “There was a great deal of damage done from the attack. There were unforeseen complications, but fortunately your father has managed to survive by the skin of his teeth.” I let out a breath in knowing he was alive. “But, there is damage we have yet to see after this latest complication.”

    “What kind of damage?”

    He ripped off the bandage. “Serious brain damage.” My heart dropped to my feet.

    Then I asked, “Do you think that he will wake up?”

    “It’s still too early to tell. It could be days or even weeks before we know,” he went on explaining everything they did in surgery and when they realized he may have had a stroke. Causing the cardiac arrest. Soon we were lead back to my father’s room again. This time with a tube down his throat. I looked at him, and I started to cry again. I knew he was there. But it didn’t feel like him. It felt like I was looking at the worn out copy of him.

    Kylo pulled the only seat in the room and gave it to me to sit next to my father. I sat down and took his hand. I whispered. “I’m here dad. I’m here.” That’s all I could say. Aunt Lena stood on the other side of him, with tears in her eyes, while Kylo pressed a gentle hand on my shoulder. I took my other hand and pressed it on top of his. Kylo was a steady constant in this storm, and I didn’t want to let go.

 

….

 

    A few hours had passed. No change in my father. But visiting hours were over. We were told to go home. And as much as I wanted to stay my body was tired of not sleeping the night before and the constant changes of emotion. I was coaxed back home by Aunt Lena saying that she will get us there first thing in the morning.

    I barely remember the flight back to the apartment nor the small dinner we had. My thoughts only went to my worries about my father. Then Lena went to her room while Kylo and I sat in the living room quietly. I tried to read my book to get my worries to go away, it wasn’t helping much.

    “I know that you’re worried about him.”

    “What gave that away?” I asked dryly.

    “I can sense it. And from knowing you, I’ve never seen you this stressed.” I shut off the data pad giving up on reading.

    “Why didn’t it show me this?”

    “What?”

    “that _damn_ relic. It showed me so much, but why not this? Why didn’t the universe or the force show me? At least give me a little _warning_ of all of this.”

    “I don’t know...Maybe you were right?”

    “Right about what?

    “The force being cruel.”

    I nodded in agreement. “What makes you think that?”

    “I’ve always have known I supposed. My family being one of the reasons.” I looked at him as he opened up. “They were great people. Heroes. But they couldn’t be the family I needed. It’s ironic really. My own family couldn’t teach me about the force the way it was meant to be taught.”

    He didn’t look up from the window. Watching the city, I said, “who were they?”

    “You’ll look at me differently if I tell you. I don’t want that.”

    “Kylo. You don’t have to tell me anything about them, or who they were, but I know you. The real you. I wouldn’t look at you any differently than I do now.”

    “You don’t know that.”

    I wanted to say quite a lot to that. _Then try me_. But I was in no state to push Kylo. I just tried to change the subject. “Do you remember when we first met?”

    He smiled softly. “How could I forget?”

    “You threw one of my nurses across the trauma room.”

    “she was trying to stick me with a needle.”

    “ _to help you_ , you ass!” We both laughed. It felt good to laugh. It was the first time I had smiled since my father went to surgery. 

    After calming our laughter, Kylo continued, “I do that a lot don’t I?”

    “Do What?”

    “Push people away who are trying to help me.”

    after a small pause, I asked “Can I be honest?”

    “Of course.”

    “I think you push people because your afraid of letting people in.”

    “I’m not afraid.”

    I furrowed my eyebrows. “And who told you to say that?” I said boldly. I immediately regretted it. Kylo hardened again and glared at the window. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that.”

    “Don’t be, you’re right,” Kylo said quietly.

    “I need to get some sleep.” I said as I stood from the couch. Kylo stood up as well and walked me to the rooms. “Goodnight Kylo.”

    “Goodnight.  

 

….

 

   I had more nightmares. They were hard to remember waking up, but I kept having them. My father dying. The planets exploding all over again. I was helpless and I couldn’t stand it. Then I sat up getting an idea in my head. I could still do something.

    I got out of bed and headed out to the living room. I found the files they gave us about my father. I flipped through them looking for anything about the attackers. I sat there for hours reading. It wasn’t until the sun was barely up when Kylo emerged and saw what I was doing. “What’s going on?”

   “I couldn’t sleep. So I decided to do something.”

    “Looking through those files won’t help anything.”

    I looked up at him. “It can with one thing. I can find _them_.”

    He clenched his jaw. “Who?” But he already knew my answer.

     “The men who attacked my father. Kylo he might be _dying_. He deserves justice.”

      “The police are already after them.”

      “And you don’t know the crime here like I do. 90% of crime here goes unsolved. I can’t just _sit here_ and let that happen to my dad.”

      He shook his head. “They were gang members. If you go after them it’s _suicide_.”

    I looked away. The truth stung. But it was too stubborn. “I’m looking for answers. And justice. It’s the only thing I can do without having those _stupid_ nightmares.”

    He sat down next to me as a few tears ran down my cheeks. “The nightmares will eventually go away.” He said quietly.

    “How do you know that?”

    “Because I’ve had nightmares my whole life. The ones you have now will go and change. They may always come around every once in a while, but they do calm down. I can’t say for sure _when_ but I know they will. But they won’t go away if you do _this_.” I put down the folder on the table in front of me.

    “I suppose you’re right. But...I _can’t_ let this go. He’s my dad. _My family_. I can’t let it go because what if...what if he dies? What if he dies for no _stars be damned_ reason. Or hell! What if he lives but never gets to see these people in prison? There is _no justice_ if I do nothing! And I’m not sure if I can live with that.”

    I stood up from the couch and tried to breathe. I looked out at the city. It never seemed to sleep, but it look like the sun was waking it up. The artificial lights were going down as the sunlight came through. Then Kylo spoke behind me. “I can’t _imagine_ what your going through, but there was one thing my mother taught me that has stayed with me over the years. ‘What goes around comes around.’ It’s an old Alderaan proverb. What you put out in the universe will come back. Those people put your father within an inch of his life. They will get what’s coming to them. That’s the universe’s justice.”

    “Your mother was from Alderaan?” I asked, trying to distract myself, not from the words he said, but from the intense emotions I was dealing with.

    I could hear the small smile in his voice. “Yeah. She was.” Then there was a beep from the comm at the elevator indicating a visitor. I wiped my face and walked quickly over to it.

    Then Kylo’s sharp voice returned. “Don’t let them in.” I looked at him. There was fear in his eyes and his hand was instinctively at the hilt of his saber.

    “Why?”

    “I can sense them. Their...their not good. Their up to something.”

    It beeped again. “I have to answer either way. I’ll...I’ll tell them to go away.” I tried to assure him as I went and pressed a button on the comm. “Hello?”

    “Hello. Is this Ms. Lena’s residence?”

    “May I ask who’s here?”

    “Of course,” the voice said.  “We work with her, you see?”

    I thought of something quick, “oh? On the new opera? The tragedy?”

    “Yes! Of course.”

    I looked up at Kylo. I mouthed to him, ‘ _there’s no new opera_.’ Then I said, “the one about Padme Amidala correct?” I watched Kylo unhitch his saber from his belt.

    “Why yes! You must be excited to see your Aunt play the late queen.”

    Kylo whispered to me, “their going to try to get in. Go get Lena and your blaster. Find my comm and call for Xohal Ren. Then lock your selves in your room.”

    I nodded, and lastly said out in the comm, “I’m sorry, but we’re _not_ accepting visitors today. Have good one.” Then I hung up and went to Lena’s room.

    “Aunt Lena!” I shouted. She woke up with a start. “Get up. I need you to come with me now.”

    “what’s wrong dear?!”

    “there’s people at our door and they might have come to hurt us. Kylo is handling it, but I need you to come with me and lock ourselves in my room.” I explained.

      She threw a robe on and took my hand. As we made our way to the other side of the apartment, I saw that Kylo stood head on with the elevator doors. The sound of the elevator buzzing, indicating someone was coming up, seemed louder in my adrenaline state. Kylo, however, seemed different somehow. Like something violent and ready to strike had taken over him. And yet he was calm, the kind of calm before a storm.

    Lena rushed into my room and I told her, “wait a minute, I need to grab something.” I open the door Kylo was staying in and looked around. He kept it orderly, so I easily found his comm. I took it with me and shut my door behind me. Lena looked panic as I grabbed my blaster and took the safety off.

    I waited at my door when I heard the elevator opened. With that I knew that chaos had come to our door.

 


	12. The Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fight comes a knockin’ on my father’s door, and Kylo takes the brunt of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back! Got through finals and be able to write. Sorry it’s so short, but will be bring this main plot back on track by the next week or so!-Indigo.

“ _When it hurts—observe. Life is trying to teach you something.” Anita Krizzan_

  
  
  
  


    As I heard an exchange of words through the door, I looked through the comm. The small screen only had two contacts on it. I found Xohan. I pressed a button for a voice message, and I said, “I can’t say much right now. I’m with Kylo Ren. We’re in some trouble. Please come to these coordinates. It’s urgent.” I sent it along with the building coordinates. Hoping that this man whom Kylo trusted would come quickly.

    Then I heard screams of anguish. My heart started racing, hoping that those weren’t from Kylo. I opened the door a crack and looked out.

    I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Kylo held a red saber. It was crackling and I could feel it’s heat from across the room. My eyes widened as I watched him fend off his attacker. A man who was almost as tall as Kylo, with a blade taser. I had only heard of either weapon, never seeing them this close.

    The man was skilled, but Kylo put up his best fight. He tried to hit his opponent over the head with a large slash but was caught with the blade before it could touch him. They were held there for what seemed like too long. From their stance I could see Kylo’s face. He was gritting his teeth and his scalp had a trickle of blood coming down his forehead. Then they came apart.

    I turned back to Lena. “Stay here.” I whispered. She tried grabbing my arm, silently begging me to stay, but I knew I had to do something. 

    I looked back and watched as Kylo circled the attacker. In the calm, I could see two other bodies. I snuck out my door and closed it quietly behind me.

    Neither man noticed. They were too focused on each other it seemed. I raised the blaster trying to take aim.

    Kylo’s back was too me. He was trying to protect us. Then the man charged at him. With a few distracting swings with his sword, the man landed a blow at Kylo’s abdomen. Kylo sunk down to his knees and I knew it was my only chance. Anger filled my head as I yelled out, “Get away from him!”

    I fired. It was a perfect hit in his forehead. The body crumpled to the ground as I watched in horror. Kylo looked back and saw me with relife. Then he collapsed. “Kylo!” I shouted as I watched him pass out. I ran to Kylo as I heard the elevator doors open. I recognized the helmet. It was one of Kylo’s knights.

    “what happened?” He asked.

    I started assessing Kylo’s wounds as I said, “these men broke in and attacked Kylo. I think...I think Kylo killed the other two while I shot this one. Then he collapsed after he was tased.”

    “We need a medic-“

    “I’m a doctor remember? I’ll take care of him. Are you going to send for reinforcements?”

    The man nodded. “I’ll call for them. Is there anyone else here?”

    “My aunt. She’s in the room over there. Could you make sure she’s okay?” I touched Kylo’s stomach as he groaned in pain. “Kylo? Kylo it’s me. It’s okay.” He opened his eyes again. He tried speaking. “Don’t speak it’s okay. You protected us. You did good.” I whispered trying my best not to sound as scared as I was. I took off the sweater I was wearing, revealing a tank top underneath, and folded it. I put the makeshift pillow gently underneath Kylo’s head.

    “You...saved me.” Kylo whispered out of breath. 

    “I know. Just rest. I’m going to get you fixed up.”

    Then Xohan returned with Aunt Lena. I asked her to go get the medical bag my father kept on hand, then Xohan said. “We need to get you all out of this place.”

    “Why?”

    “The attackers are from a gang syndicate. There will be more.”

    “Kylo might need a hospital.”

    Then Kylo interrupted. “No...no hospital.” I tried not to wince at his pain laced words. He sounded almost like a child who didn’t want to go. But I knew what he meant.

    “These might be the same gang members that tried to kill my father. It’s not safe there either is it?”

    “is he still there?”

    I nodded. “Can you send a message to them about security. I can take care of Kylo so long as I have the equipment. But if things go south, we need to get him to a hospital.”

    “Of course. I’ll have my partner here soon. Then we can take you to the safe house. Can you manage for now?”  

    I nodded as Lena handed me the bag. I opened it and took out the flashlight. I shined it in Kylo’s eyes as I assessed for internal injury. I was worried for him, but somehow I knew he would be alright. I just...knew.

    No internal bleeding i believed, but he was still reeling from the blow from the taser blade. Yet when I checked his pulse, it was normal. “This is strange…” I thought allowed.

    Xohan had some panic in his voice. “What?”

    “his pulse is normal. All vitals in fact. These signs other than him passing in and out, he would be fine.”

    “tell me exactly what happened.”

    “I didn’t see the whole fight happen,” I said as I applied cleaning solution to his head wound. “He had the upper hand until the guy hit him in the stomach with that _thing_. Kylo fell to his knees and I...I shot the guy.”

      Xohan looked at the body. “You have excellent aim.”

        “Not what I need to hear right now but thanks.”

        Then I watched Kylo come to. “We need to go.” He said as he winced. He tried sitting up.

         “Lay back down. We will. You just need to rest while we wait for backup.”

          I was happy to see him fully conscious, but I would rather treat at complacent, chilled out Kylo rather than the adrenaline ran, potentially dangerous Kylo. Then Xolan spoke again, “Sir, we have a unit coming in. Their ETA is a few minutes.”

            Then Kylo looked at me. “I’m glad you brought the blaster.”

            “Me too.” I began a head injury exam on him as Xohan stepped away to listen to his comm. “Do you feel dizzy at all? Nauseous?”

            “No, I feel fine.” He tried getting up again.

    I let him, knowing that he seemed to be okay. “I don’t really understand. You took a blow to the abdomen from that thing, and your fine?”

    “He’ll have time to explain later, we need to move now.” Xohan interrupted. I helped Kylo the rest of the way up. He seemed to have a good footing but I was still worried. I let Xohan guide him and Lena towards the door when I ran back to my room. I grabbed my bag and the letters from my mother. As much as I didn’t want to open that can of worms, I couldn’t help myself from grabbing it.

            I ran back out and to the elevator in time to ride with Kylo and my aunt. As the floor carried us down, my mind kept going back to the man I just murdered. The way his body took the blast and how it dropped to the ground kept going through my head. It also left a terrible taste in my mouth. One that stayed with me until we reached the safe house.

    It was several blocks away in the uptown district. Much nicer than Lena’s place. It was simple in decoration and furnishings, but it was nice. Well kept up by the first order. A trooper was stationed at the door.

    Kylo sat down on the couch, at complete strength again as if nothing hadn’t happened earlier, while Lena went to a back room to change out of her night clothes. Xohan left us to speak with another knight over a comm. So, Kylo and I were left alone while I prepared him for stitches.

    “Doesn’t this feel familiar?”

    I smiled at his light hearted comment. “Well I knew it would be inevitable that you would need stitches again, but I didn’t think this soon.”

    He chuckled, “well I made no promises that I wouldn’t.”

    “I know…” I began with the stitches slowly and carefully. I had to be very close to Kylo as I stitched, but I enjoyed the comforting silence that we had gained in that moment.

    Then Kylo spoke softly, “are you okay?”

    I ignored everything in my head screaming no. “I’m fine.”

    “No your not.” He replied.

    “I’m fine. It’s not like I killed a man this morning. Oh wait. I did.” I kept my hands steady as I secured the last stitch, hoping that I wouldn’t start crying. Then I started putting all of my medical things away, keeping my eyes away from Kylo. I cult even look at him.

    “I reacted a lot like you are right now when I first killed someone. I was ashamed, but I knew that killing was apart of war. And when someone is trying to kill you, sometimes the only way to stop them is to kill them.”

    I had another flair of anger, but I tried to conceal it in my voice, “He wasn’t trying to kill me, he was trying to hurt you, and I killed him.”

    “If you didn’t, I would be dead right now. You might have been dead right now because he would have hurt you after he was done with me. You did everything right.” Tears started to stream down my face. “The guilt will pass. I can’t tell you how in long but it will.”

    I turned around and looked at him. I wasn’t sure in what to say, but I said, “I broke an oath ‘to do no harm’ and I feel terrible for it. When will that guilt pass?”

    “When you’ll realize that you saved my life, _again_.”

    I wiped my tears away as Xohan came back into the room. Kylo stood up to address him. “There’s no sign of the gang near the hospital but they found this on the apartment door.” He pressed a button on his comm and it projected a hologram of the front door. There was a freshly painted rune on the door. A _familiar warning_. “I think it’s the Valdorians.”

    “Valdorians?”

    “Their a gang of rebels that aren’t with the republic or the first order. We’ve had run ins with them over the years. Burning villages and working the smuggling network.” Kylo explained.

    “It’s strange,” Xohan said, “they are a group that stay within the outer rim. Why would they be here?”

    “Because of my mother.”

    Kylo’s eyes filled with worry, but Xohan’s was filled with shock. “What?”

    “that sign was painted on my childhood home’s door back on Tatooine. I didn’t know What it meant then, but because of it...my mother left us and we moved to a new village. _I can’t believe they found us_.”

    “Why the hell are they after you?” Xohan asked.

    “I was hoping that you could tell me that.”

    “No matter why they are,” Kylo continued to speak, “we either need to find them first or get you all away from this sector as far away as possible. Guard details maybe.”

    “For my father and aunt but I won’t need it. Not once I’m back on the Finalizer anyway.”

    “Let’s Hope They don’t have the balls to infiltrate a star destroyer.”

    Then, Kylo got a message on his comm. he takes it into the other room as Xohan and I speak. “So your the girl who cut off Devals leg?”

    I blinked at him not sure what to say, “unfortunately yes. As far as I’ve heard he’s done well since.”

    “Yes. He has you to thank for that.” I smiled meekly at that.

    Then Kylo returned. His face was laced with shock and worry. It made my stomach churn. “It was the hospital, they need you there now.”

    I started tearing up as Kylo flew Lena and I in a small speeder.

  
  
  
  



	13. The Five Stages Of Grief Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The worst happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! So I’m back. Been a few weeks of...Well it’s been a wild ride of emotions up and down, this is an angst filled chapter that was cathartic for my to write through my own issues with these characters I have grown to love even more. Please withstand this vent and I will post the next chapter in the next few days for a follow up. -Indigo

    _“Grief is the price we pay for love.” Queen Elizabeth II_

  
  
  


    _Denial_

 

    I walked into a small room with Lena and Kylo behind me. My father’s head doctor stood with a blank expression on his face. I wanted to sob, but I only let my tears fall. “Please have a seat.”

    Before I let him say anything else, I said, “Don't do that.”

    His face didn’t change, “Do What?”

    “Don’t give me the speech. Or the look. Or the crap that they try to teach us when giving the ‘your love one is dying or has died’ they call a speech. Give it to me straight.” His blank look never faltered, but I was grateful he never looked cold. As he looked for more words in my eyes, I said breathlessly, “please.”

    “He’s in the intensive care unit, Doctor. I’m afraid...I’m afraid that his body is shutting down from the wounds.”

    “Septic?”

    He nodded confirming, “His heart can’t take much of it anymore. There was also another complication. Under intensive scans, we cannot locate any normal brainwaves. He’s brain dead. And per your father’s papers, he wishes to be _not_ under the life saving measures-“

    “What happened? Why is he brain dead?” I asked fighting back from throwing my hands in my face and sobbing.

    The doctor grimaced in front of me, “we theorized that he had a stroke. It went to his brain. He’s gone. I’m terribly, _terribly_ sorry. Please read this letter and go through these papers before you see him. He gave you all privileges in sight of his emancipation. You might understand what’s happening to him, I know that, but your father...he’s gone. _We did everything we could_.”

 

    _Anger_

 

    I sat down and looked at the papers the doctor handed me. _How dare he_ ? _How dare he say they ‘did everything they could’ we don’t know that! I can’t even know that_! A fiery rage built up in me. Begging me to throw something. To tear up the papers in my hands.

    Then Kylo knelt on the floor in front of me and took my hand. He didn’t say a word, but somehow I knew that he sensed my anger. It just made my tears come faster. Lena took the papers from my lap and put them on the desk. She took my other hand. I looked up at her. Her face had as much tears as mine had. “How could have any of this have happened?” I asked her.

    “I don’t know love. But we have to...we must keep going through this process.” I looked at her in disbelief. “The sooner it’s over-“

    I stood up, letting go of both of their hands to face her, and shouted at her, “ _the sooner it’s over_?! You want to have dad die? I can’t believe you! He’s your brother! And my father!”

    “I know.” She kept her voice stern but never raised it. “I was there when he signed them. He had health scare a few months back and wanted to make his wishes known.”

    “What? Why didn’t either of you-“

    “He didn’t want to talk about it. With anyone, and he didn’t want to worry you.” She pressed her hands to either side of my face. “Love. I know what you're going through. When your father and I lost your grandparents...we thought the universe was going to end.” I breathed in a ragged breath. Trying to compose myself. “But making all of this longer, will not only prolong your father’s suffering, but also your own, my love, take your time that you need. But...if you ask for my advice, don’t make it longer than it has to be.”

 

    _Bargaining_

 

    I fought back sobbing as she hugged me. I looked up at the ceiling and said, “I’ll look at the papers, but...can I look at them alone? Please?”

    She gently pulled back and said, “of course dear. Take all the time you need we’ll be right outside.”

    She walked out, but before Kylo followed, he said, “whatever you need or want. I’ll get it for you. Just say the word.”

    I looked him in the eye. “I’m afraid you can’t get what I want right now…”

    He grimaced at me and walked away. I sat back down and took the papers into my hands. I read through them. It was saying all these things in sight of my father’s death and how he wanted to be unplugged. He wanted me to take his life away. _He has to get better_ . _He can’t leave me. He can’t_. I thought. Then I found an envelope.

    It had his handwriting printed neatly over it. It only said my name. My heart started pounding. I ripped it open and found a letter inside.

    It said: _Hello my dear,_

_I know that if you have received this letter, it means that I am dying or I have already succumbed to death. I cannot imagine what you are feeling at this very moment. You maybe in shock, or angry, or incredibly sad. I understand that. I went through the same emotions when my own father passed some time ago. Just know my dear that this is not the end of my life. No. It’s the end of a chapter in it. I must move on into the next phase of my existence. It saddens me that I must leave you, but my time has come._

_Know that I have thought of you everyday since you came into this world. You have become the very light of my life. I have seen you grow into this beautiful young woman and an incredible doctor. You have made me prouder than any father has ever lived. Know that I will be with you from now on. In every step of your life from every chapter from now on. Know that this is not the end my love, but a new beginning. I will see you again, love Dad._

 

    Tears just barely missed the pages as I read his words over and over again. Emotion rung through me like constant waves on a beach. A part of me couldn’t believe that he was dying, but... _another_ knew what I had to do. I guess it was the doctor part of me. The part of me that is logical and practical. _The part that knew how to survive_. I knew I couldn’t leave him in suffering anymore. It just I knew that the pain of him being gone hasn’t come to me yet. I wanted to prolong its journey to me. But I knew it couldn’t wait any longer.

    I signed the papers and emerged from the office.

 

    _Depression_

 

    I held tight to Kylo’s hand as I handed the papers to the doctor. The only thing he didn’t get back was my letter; I held it tightly in my other hand. As tightly as a child would to their most favorite toy; for comfort.

    Then the doctor led us through the hospital. It felt painstakingly slow as we walked through the halls passed patients who I knew would probably have better outcomes than what I was about to witness. Every second felt like a minute. Every minute felt like an hour. Time was heavy on my heart which made it slow down yet speed up all at the same time.

    Then we approached the door marked with _ICU_. Before the doctor opened it, he said, “Its only two visitors allowed from this point on at a time.”

    Kylo looked down at me. “I’ll wait here. Just...go.”

    I suddenly didn’t want to let go of him. Like he was the security blanket that I wanted to get through this, but...I knew that I didn’t need him. It saddened me even more. I let go of him, and quietly said a word of thanks.

    Lena and I followed the doctor into the hallway lined with glass rooms. All were empty except for the one on the end. Lena and I held each other as we saw my father. Covered in tubes and wires, and surrounded by machines and monitors. There was a nurse checking on him.

    I heard the doctor say to her, “be ready to begin.” 

    I walked slowly over to my father. Under the tubing and wires, his skin looked like ash, and his eyes were closed. I stroked the top of his head gently and took his hand. The tears hadn’t stopped. “Can I have a minute with him?” The doctor guided them to the hallway and closed the glass door behind him. I tried to breath as I finally let out a sob. One. I knew I wanted to speak to him one last time. Even if he couldn’t talk back. I had trouble forming the words.

    Then I felt a warm presence on the back of my head. It was a comforting yet slightly burning sensation, but it calmed me enough to speak. Memories of my father flooded my mind, from when he would play with me on the floor or teaching me how to operate a land speeder. I knew this one would be the saddest memory. “I’m going to miss you so much dad. Every minute of every day, I wish you could be with me. I know you need to go, but I don’t want you too. I never had wanted you too. I’m gonna...I’m gonna let go. Cause you can’t live like this, I can’t live like this. I just wish we had more time.”

    I gestured to the doctor and they came back in. I stepped back so Lena could speak with him. I closed my eyes as she whispered in his ear, trying to center myself. When I opened them, I watched as the nurse began.

    As I gripped my father’s warm hand, as I watched the scene unfold. I was squeezing it tightly as I put my other hand over his heart. I didn’t want to let go even after I felt his last breath leave his body. Even after I felt his steady heart beat stop. Even after I felt his hand go cold. I didn’t want to let go. But...I let him go.

    When I walked out of the intensive care unit, I didn’t need words to tell Kylo that my father was gone. He just pulled me to his chest and held me as I wept quietly.

     It was at that moment when I knew I had fallen in love with the man. I was doomed to be in love with someone I could never have. But in my grief, it was a sweet relief being in the arms of the man I loved.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you saw the little bits of foreshadowing I threw in this one. More will come later. Thanks for reading. This chapter has been an experience in writing it. I couldn’t figure out how to end it. But when it struck me I knew that this was it. I hope you enjoyed my cathartic rambling. -Indigo


	14. The Five Stages Of Grief Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Return to the Finalizer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grief isn’t easy to write, but I enjoyed writing this chapter in my own ways. I promise next chapter will be lighter! -Indigo PS! Decided to extend this work to 30 chapters instead of 25. I was considering turning this story into a series but decided that would rather have it as a longer work to bring all elements together, but don’t worry it will be worth it!

_ “Often in the lonely road of grief, surviving grief is the worst kind of pain.” -Naren Grewall  _

  
  


_ Acceptance _

 

I laid on the couch of the unfamilar apartment in the dark living room watching the lights of the city. Tears had still stained my face and grief had made my body immobile. And yet I couldn’t sleep. It had been three days since my father’s passing. I had barely eaten or slept in the time I had been on coruscant. Yet my body stayed awake. I didn’t understand it. 

Then I heard a quick rustle from behind the couch. I sat up quickly, but was relieved to see Kylo. “What are you doing up?” I asked. 

“I could ask you the same thing,” he replied. He walked around and sat on the end of the couch where my feet were. I sat up so my feet were on the floor. 

“I can’t sleep. You?” 

He paused as he thought of his words, “I get restless when I’m really worried.” 

I tilted my head as I asked, “Worried about what?” 

“You.” When that word fell from his full lips, it made my insides melt. It was the only good thing I felt in quite a few days. 

I looked back at the city. “Have you ever grieved someone?” 

“Yes.” He said in a quick but flat tone. 

“Did you love them?” 

“In a way.” 

“How did you get through it?” 

“Not as graceful as you are right now.” 

I scoffed, “graceful? Hardly. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m hot mess right now.” 

“Believe me, I was worse.” 

I looked at him. He was watching the city as well, the lights illuminated his pale skin in wonderful warm colors. “I think you are the only person who has seen me cry this much in my life. I don’t like crying in front of people. Or showing a lot of negative emotion, I’ve always kept it in,” I looked away not wanting to make eye contact with him, “ever since my mom left, I had to be strong for my dad. That meant, not crying, not whining, not falling apart no matter what. Our survival depended on it.” 

“Sounds shitty.” 

     I laughed  “It was, for both of us, but...that’s what I thought I needed to be. That’s what I thought who I was before...but now...I don’t think I know who I am anymore.” 

He paused, and then he took my hand, I looked him in the eye as he said, “I can’t tell you how to figure out who you are, but I know a few things about you. Your one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met, but also the kindest. You are an amazing doctor, and the rest will eventually fall into place.” 

“Any advice on that?” 

Without a beat, “take your strengths and use them. And never forget that you can forge your own destiny. Even if you don’t know who you are.” 

I smiled, for the first time since before my father died, at him when I took his advice to heart. 

Then a few thoughts ran through my head as I watched Kylo let go and stand up. “Kylo?” 

“Yes.” 

“I keep thinking about the attack. My logical mind just...I don’t understand something.” His back tensed at my words. “How did you survive getting hit by a blade taser to the stomach?” 

He turned around to look at me. I could see in his eyes how he was trying to articulate the words. “A few months ago, I read through some old force writings from an ancient observer, it was documented that a force user could take a physical blow to the body and soften it enough to survive it. I...I had been studying for a long time to figure out this...this technique for a long time. It was the first thing I thought of when he had the opening to strike me.” 

Though he explained it well, I said, “if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I don’t think I would have believed you.” 

“You haven’t had much experience with the force have you?” 

“Besides that vision? No.” That seemed like the least of my worries.

He nodded. “The force is something of impossibilities. But it’s real, trust me on that. You see, it is something that connects all beings, it runs through us all, and some of us have the ability to manipulate it.” 

“You being one of them.” 

“Yes. Have been for a very long time. I've always been sensitive to it. To everything around me. To _everyone_ around me.” 

“Is that why you get so restless? From the sensory overload?”

“Yeah. I guess it is. It was worse when I was a kid.” 

“I’m sorry to hear that.” 

“It’s okay. I didn’t have much of a childhood anyway.” 

“That sounds just about as shitty as mine.” He laughed at my sudden comment. 

“Another thing we have in common I guess.” 

Then it hit me again. With tears, a wave of realization came back that my father was dead. He was nothing but a body now. His eyes wouldn’t open again. His arms wouldn’t wrap me in a hug again. He was  _ gone _ . I thought aloud, “my dad’s dead.” 

“I know, and I’m sorry.” Kylo said quietly. 

“Don’t be,” I said quietly. But this time, there was a different feeling. A sudden feeling of relief.  _ He’s not suffering anymore. He’s in a better place. I don’t have to worry anymore _ . “I just need to figure out how to live in a universe where he isn’t a part of it anymore.” 

“You will.”

 

….

At breakfast the next morning, the natural hunger in my belly finally came back. Lena was already at the table reading her datapad as I was eating some bantha bacon. Then Kylo and Xohan walked in. They were both dressed in their knight attire. Kylo and I would be leaving shortly after breakfast to return to the Finalizer, and Xohan was to accompany us. Their arrival was their silent way of saying it was time to get going. 

“Lena. I’m sorry that I can’t stay long enough for a funeral.” I said to her. 

“I know dear,” she replied. “Even if you could, it wouldn’t be much of one.” 

I paused for a beat. “The next time I can get time off, we can travel to Tattoine together.” 

“Why would you go back there?” Kylo asked. 

“It was my father’s home planet. He always said he wanted to be buried there.” 

“We’ll go as soon as we can.” Lena stood and gave me a hug. “But for now, get back to where your needed. I’m sure Mara misses you.” 

I thought about Mara. I felt like a horrible best friend. I sent her two messages since I first heard about the attack: when I left the ship and when my father died. She had been covering for my shifts as well as another doctor on the medical team. “Yeah. All of her messages are pretty much asking how I am. It will be good to go back.” 

I quickly finished eating and gathered the few things I would be taking back. I walked through the apartment looking at the view of the morning light. It reminded me of some of my first mornings of living in Coruscant while attending med school. 

My father would get up early with some caff and started making pancakes. I would lug myself out of bed to the smell of it. He would always smile brightly as he handed me a plate filled with food. I smiled sadly at the sweet memory. 

Then Kylo spoke up as he saw my lagging. “Are you okay?” 

I looked down a little embarrassed. “Yeah. Just…just thinking is all. Let’s get going.” I followed Kylo to the entrance of the apartment. Lena was waiting for me at the door. Kylo left to give me a chance to say goodbye. 

“oh my love.” She pulled me into a loving embrace. “Take care of yourself alright.” We broke apart and she pulled something from her pocket. “I want you to take this.” 

I furrowed my eyebrows until I realized what she held in her hand, it was a simple sheer red scarf. It belonged to my father when he lived on Tatooine. “He kept it.” 

“He always said it was lucky.” 

I chuckled softly, tears brimming my eyes, “I miss him.” 

“Me too. That’s why I want you to have.” 

“Aunt Lena I can't take that from you.” 

“Your not. It’s a gift.” She proceeded to wrap it around my neck. “I hope it brings you luck too.” She nodded her head towards the direction Kylo went. 

I raised an eyebrow, “What are you implying.” 

“all I’m saying, is that your father met your mother _because_ of that scarf. Maybe it will help you too.” 

I laughed at her. Trying not to show the truth. “thank you, for everything Lena.” She smiled at me as I left touching with the scarf. I headed up the launch pad.

 

…. 

 

We were half way through our journey back to the Finalizer. Two hours had passed by but we still had another two to go. I couldn’t sleep through it this time. I sat in a chair mounted to the wall in the cockpit with my legs tucked up to try to get comfortable. Kylo and Xohan had an occasional exchange of words, but otherwise it was quiet except for the hum of the ship flying through space. 

Then the control panel chirped. A transmission was coming through. I watched as Kylo read the name of who was behind the holo transmission; it was as if someone had turned a switch and all this anger crept onto his face. 

Hux came onto the transmission with an unusually blank face. “Commander Ren. Knight Xohan.” 

“Hux.” Kylo said as he regarded the man, who wasn’t even here, with a pulled back disgust.  _ What was with them _ ? 

“the Finalizer is pleased to hear the return of the Commander as well as its revered Doctor. She has been missed.” Hux clearly didn’t see me from the back. I figured with my scarf as I listened quietly. “What is the status on the outer rim criminals?”  

Xohan spoke up. “We have two in custody, sir. They are being shuttled to prison base code Delta for interrogations. Through some investigation we have found that the gang syndicate is Valdorian.” 

“Why did they target the clinic?” My stomach dropped. I kept myself back from making any sound. 

“Authorities assumed that it was a robbery, but after learning about the history with the… _ victim _ . The Doctor’s former wife was targeted for reasons unknown. She left him in order to keep him and his family safe. I’m afraid that it just caught up with him.” A few tears fell down my cheeks, and yet I still listened, curious on what they would do. 

Hux nodded along. The disgust growing in his face. “Have they been linked to any other crimes before or after in that sector on Coruscant?” 

“There was a report that they hijacked a speeder weeks before the attack, but they were never caught.” I sat there shocked to hear of this. My heart started racing and my breathing became ragged. 

Kylo then spoke, “We will arrange for Xohan to return to Coruscant and investigate further. We will see you on the Finalizer.” He cut the transmission and turned to me with worry in his eyes. 

I tried to get control of my breathing while I still had tears running down my face. Then I felt it. The sudden urge that my stomach was going to empty itself. I rushed out of my seat and ran to the back of the craft where the onboard ‘fresher was. 

I seemed to stop crying as I sat on the ‘fresher’s cold floor. I sat there for a long time. Not sure where to even start asking questions. 

Then there was a knock on the door. I stood and absentmindedly wiped off any drool or tears that clung around my mouth. I opened the door to see Kylo’s large frame, “are you alright?” 

I would have walked passed him if he didn’t almost fill the doorway. “Could we not have this conversation in the same place that I just vomited in?” I asked, 

He moved out of the way and I walked out. I found the small lounge area of the craft behind it and sat down staring at the floor. “I’m sorry you had to hear all of that.” 

“I didn’t know that...that they stole that speeder. I didn’t know that the attack could have preventable.” 

“We’ll find them. We’ll get justice-“ 

“I don’t want justice. I just want to know why.” 

He grimaced at me, “Why what?” 

“Why my father to die? It’s unfair. The most unfair thing that has ever happened to me or my family. Why did have to die? I just down get it.” 

He looked away from me. “I wish I did.” 

“I know you do. But...I also want to get this all behind me. Get back to my life. Figure this shit out. If those men never walked through that door, at that time, my father would still be here breathing like you and me.” 

Silence filled the room again. It was a different kind than what I was used to with Kylo. It was like gray had been washed over us and we couldn’t say anything more otherwise it would have been lost to the gray. It was a silence that consumed everything. I got up and walked back to the cockpit to try and escape it. Unfortunately it didn’t work all that much. 

  
  


…. 

  
  


We had finally returned to the Finalizer. It was well into the day shift of the ship and the ship bay was filled with the bustle of workers and the sounds of the ships being worked on. 

As the hatch lowered to the flood, Hux was approaching to greet us. I couldn’t tell what Kylo was thinking with his mask on. But I knew that it was with his dislike of the General. “Commander, Doctor.” 

“Hello Hux.” I greeted politely. 

“My condolences for your father. I knew that he was a respected man.” 

“Thank you sir, he was.” 

“The medbay will be enthralled by your return.” 

“I look forward to getting back to work tomorrow. Thank you for sudden approval for leave of ship, sir. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for the time.” 

“Of course. Now if you will excuse me. I have a meeting to attend with Knight Xohan.” He and Xohan walked away from us. Then a technician approached Kylo. They received a few instructions on the ship and let us go. 

Kylo and I walked quietly towards my quarters. Once we reached the empty halls, he took off his mask. “I didn’t know you would be starting work tomorrow.” 

“Yeah, I wanted to get back as soon as I could.” 

“Are up for it?” 

For a second I thought that he asked because he thought I wouldn’t be able to, but once I saw his concern, I said, “tomorrow is just desk work. I need to catch up on current patients and some charts. I’ll be fine. I just know if I’m left to my own devices, I'll probably go crazy.” 

We chuckled at my comment. Then he said, “if you need anything just ask alright? Day off. Somebody to yell at. I’m here.” 

“Thank you Kylo again. For showing up. It’s the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me.” 

His small smile was enough to make me forget my sadness for a moment. It was the kind that could be contagious to the right person. And before I knew it I was smiling too. 


	15. Laundry and Wine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting back to normal and an awkward introduction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter a day early! Getting into a less chapter for this one and next, but after, Well...hold onto your butts cause stuff will be going down! -Indigo

_ “A healer is someone who seeks to be the light that she wishes she had in her darkest moments.” -Vironika Tugalev _ a 

  
  
  
  
  
  


I collapsed onto my bed without much thought. I finally felt tired enough for some sleep after the long ride on the shuttle and I was happy to be back to my own bed. Alas, I only slept for a few hours. When I woke up, I immediately felt like I needed to do something. 

I unpacked my clothes and threw most of them into my laundry bin. As well as the few other things from the trip. I took the scarf from around my neck and stared at it in my hands. It brought back a good memory of my father when he would come home from work with it wrapped around his face to protect him from a sand storm on Tatooine. I remembered seeing him home and safe and that the red scarf protected him. 

I kissed it and placed it in one of my drawers next to my bed. Then I pulled out my holster and blaster. I stared at it. I could still remember the sound of that man's body as it crumpled to the floor. Dead weight falling onto the hard surface. It sent chills down my spine just thinking about it. 

I put the blaster back in it’s safe underneath the bed and stowed it, vowing not to use it again to myself, though I knew that probably won’t be the case. I took a breath trying to decide what I should do. It was the middle of the afternoon. Mara wouldn’t be off for another hour or so. 

I looked at the pile of clothes and decided to do some laundry. I gathered my basket as well as a few laundry tokens and my data pad, and headed out the door. I needed something to keep myself busy and I might as well have caught up with this task. 

I entered the empty laundry room of my sector. It was much like the rest of the ship, black floors and black and silver equipment. Basics. I went to the nearest washing machine and threw my load in. Then I added some of the detergent and turned it on. 

 “Uggg!” I exclaimed. I took out my data pad and scrolled through it absentmindedly. 

I messaged Mara with five words.  **Bring Wine. My quarters. Tonight** . 

After that I looked through more of my charts that were updated and looked at some x rays. I was ten minutes in and I was completely bored out of my mind. 

I was laying down on the folding counter with one leg dangling off when Kylo walked in. “What are doing?” 

I jumped when I heard his modulated voice and said in shock, “the hell!? You scared me.” 

“Sorry.” 

    I jumped back down. 

“How’d you find me here?” 

“Umm.” For once in his life he didn’t know exactly what to say. “I went to your quarters and...you weren’t there so, I sensed that...that you were here…” 

I furrowed my eyebrows. “You  _ sensed _ that I was here?” 

“Yes…” 

“With the force? 

“Yes.” 

He looked at me almost expectantly. All I could do was laugh. “That’s the weirdest way anyone has found me, I think.” Then I noticed how he wasn’t taking off his mask like he normally would around me. “Is something wrong?” 

His feet shifted as he looked away. “No.” 

“Kylo. Please don’t lie to me. What’s wrong?” 

He looked down in shame, but he slowly took off his mask. There revealed a gash on his chin with blood running down to his neck underneath his clothing. There was also a big bruise forming next to left eye. I walked towards him as my doctor instincts came back in. “Kylo what happened?” 

I placed my hand gently on his face as I examined him. He let me as he closed his eyes and knelt a little more towards me. The gash wasn’t deep, but needed to be cared for as the surrounding skin was turning red. His eye also needed some ice. “I was…I was in a training session earlier. It got really intense and…” After a beat it seemed like he didn’t want to speak more about it. 

“It’s okay. Your don’t have to tell me anymore.” I heard the buzz of the machine, “let me throw my clothes in the dryer and we can go back to my quarters. I’ll patch you up okay?” 

He nodded as I walked away from him to my wet clothes. I did as I said and we walked back side by side back to my quarters. I let him in and he placed his helmet, gloves, and cloak on my counter top. I went into my ‘fresher and grabbed my first aid kit that I kept handy. The first thing I pulled out was an instant ice back. 

I shook it as Kylo sat down. “Put this on your eye. It will help with swelling.” I watched him hiss as he placed it on his face. I then pulled out some bacta gel as well as some disinfectant with a cotton swab. “I’m going to clean that gash up a little okay?” 

“Thank you,” He said quietly. 

“It’s no problem. You just need to be more careful next time alright?” I worked on his wound as silence grew again. Thankfully it was that comforting silence that I grew to love. 

I thought more about my feelings for the man as I patched his chin up. As the commander of the first order, he was a fierce enforcer, but as Kylo, he was a generous, gentleman who cared for me. And as much as I loved him, he was  _ both _ Kylo and the Commander, and I couldn’t confess to him what I wanted him to know. I couldn’t tell him that I loved him. That I wanted more than the close friendship we had built. That he was a person I considered with potential to be the man I would have wanted to spend the rest of my life with. As much as I wanted that life, as much as I wanted him, it could never happen. 

I suddenly wanted to cry, but I locked that feeling away, as well as the thoughts. I couldn’t play with him like that or even risk the relationship we already had. I’m sure that he had only seen me as his friend. Or at least that was how he needed to seem to see me as. Our lives were simply too complicated to have love. How bittersweet that fate was? I could see him. Touch him. But never be able to say  _ I love you. I want you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you _ . Strike bittersweet. It was down right cruel. 

Then, I spoke to him. “I wanted to thank you again for what you did for me this last week. For bringing me back to my dad...it meant everything to me.” I bandaged his wound up while he took off the now not so cold pack. 

“Honestly, I would do just about anything for you.” I was a little dumbfounded. “You have been so kind to me. Helped me. Hell, you saved my life. And...you became my friend. My only friend who hasn’t sworn to me their allegiance or pledged their life to me. You’re...you’re the only person I feel like who’s in my corner sometimes.” 

I smiled. “I’ll gladly be in your corner from now on, as long as your in mine.” 

He smiled back, “You saved my ass twice now, I think I’ll always be in your corner.”

I chuckled at him. Then there was a knock at the door. Before I knew it Mara came rushing in yelling my name. “Mara?” I asked as she went straight for my fridge not seeing Kylo. Then I checked the time. It was after her shift ended, “shit.” Is all I could say. 

“Did you forget I was coming over? My dear, you need some TLC after the week you’ve had.” Then she finally looked up. She saw Kylo with her jaw in the floor. “C-Commander. What a surprise!” She stood awkwardly in the kitchen as we both stared at her. 

Then I turned to Kylo, “Umm...well Kylo this Mara, Mara this Kylo.” 

Mara clearly was taken off guard. She walked forward as if she was extending her hand for a handshake, but never raised her hand, “Nice to finally meet you properly.” 

“Y-you was well.” After a moment of silence, he said, “I’d better get going.” 

We both stood and I walked him to the door. “I’ll see you later okay?” 

“Yeah. Let me know how tomorrow goes.” 

“I will. Thank you again.” 

He nodded and his helmet back on as he walked away. I let the door close and let a quick breath out as I pressed my back to the door. “You didn’t tell me he was going to hang around in your quarters.” 

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t want him meeting you like that. It just...he got scraped up and he asked for my help. I forgot you were coming I’m sorry!” 

“Sweetie it’s okay.” She pulled me into a hug. “I’m just glad you're back home safe.” I pulled back from her and smiled. “I’m so sorry about your father. I wish I could have been there with you.” 

“it’s okay. I had Lena. And Kylo.” 

“Right Kylo. About that…” 

“What?” 

“We need to open that bottle of wine, and distract you. By you telling me why you never mentioned how handsome he is, _and_ what exactly you did on your trip.” She proceeded to get the wine out of the fridge I had left and opened it. 

I giggled. “ _ We _ didn’t do anything. Frankly it was more about my dad than that.” 

“Well you two staring at each other's eyes back there told a different story.” 

“Mara.” I bit my lip as she poured my glass. Then I realized I had forgotten something. “I left my laundry in the dryer. You get started and I’ll be right back.” 

“not until you tell me why he looked at you like he’s in love you. Is he in love with you?” I didn’t answer and I ran out of my door and straight to the laundry room. It just left me asking the same question.  _ Is he in love with me?  _

 

….

 

It took me almost a half of a bottle of wine, and a very warm and red face, to finally put into words what I had been feeling to Mara. “He’s just so...sooooo kind you know? The kind of  _ kind _ you want in every man. And he’s funny. And smart. And soo sweet. I really do think that I love him.” 

She was only working on her third glass, so she seemed rather enthused at the sudden confession. “I knew it! When did you tell him?” 

“I haven’t told him that yet. Probably will never tell him.” 

“Why! He must love you too!” 

“Mara,” I said as I hiccuped. “It isn’t that simple.” 

“Why?” 

“He’s the Commander.” 

“Yeah, he’ll command you in bed.” 

“MARA!” We both lost it at that point. The giggling seemed like it wouldn’t end. But after we stopped, both laying down on the floor, she asked me a question that seemed to sober me right up. “Why won’t you just tell him?” 

I blinked at the ceiling trying to figure out what to say. The warm feeling in my veins suddenly disappeared and I had a moment of clarity.  _ Why won’t I tell him _ ? Then I simply said, “because if I do, I could ruin everything between us.” I sat up and finished the remainder of wine in my glass.

 

 


	16. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Returning to normal life, but finding Kylo Ren in one of his famous tantrums. It seems like I’m the only one capable of calming him down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So happy to write some fluff! I write a lot of angst but it makes the fluff all the more sweeter. Hope y’all are loving this slow burn as much as I am! (Not a lot cause I want to get there two together already!) -Indigo

   _“Isn’t it lovely, all alone. Heart made of glass, my mind of stone. Tear me to pieces, skin and bone. Hello, welcome home.” Billie Eilish with Khalid_.

  
  
  


    I woke an hour earlier than I was supposed to for work. I stared at the ceiling thinking about my dad. Missing him had been the hardest part about his death. I just wanted to see him again. Was that such a big ask?

    I let a few tears fall before I wiped them away as Mara stirred next to me. “Morning.” I said as I tried to sound cheerful.

    “Morning…you okay?”

    “Yeah…” I sat up quickly and got out of bed so she wouldn’t see the remainder of the tears. “First day back. I’m...I’m going to make some caff and take a shower.”

    “You don’t seem okay.” Her voice stopped me in my tracks.

    I didn’t look at her as I said, “I just need to get back to normal. I’m grieving. It’s not like I’m on death row or something.”

    “That's a little dark.” We both chuckled at her comment. She got out of bed and went straight to my closet. “Can I borrow some scrubs, I really don’t feel like running to my quarters for a fresh pair.”

    “Go ahead.”

 

….

 

    I walked into work with Mara and was glad to see the familiar faces of the medical team again. Thankfully Doctor Wichita allowed me to catch up for the day, so I want to the nurses station and say there for majority of the day. Before I knew it, it was the end of my shift.

    All of my charts were updated and I had a set and clear schedule for next week. My eyes were tired and my back aches from being hunched over a desk all day. I left quietly as the evening shift began.

    I decided to go for a walk before I returned to my quarters. Stretch my legs and clear my mind a little. I wandered around for a long time, and as I approached the administration part of the ship, I noticed an influx of various workers rushing in the opposite direction.

    As I followed where they were leaving, I started hearing the chaos. Screams as well as crashing sounds could be heard from around the corner. Electricity seemed to be in the air. Goosebumps ran down my arms and the hair on the back of my neck stood up.

    A lieutenant was passing me as she said, “Miss you better get out of here, the commander is having one of his meltdowns. He’s practically destroy everything in his path,” and with that she was gone as I stood stopped in my tracks.

    I of course have heard of these episodes with Kylo. I’ve never seen it in person, but seeing the commotion made me terrified.    

    Then I saw him. Kylo was destroying everything in his path with his crackling saber. With his mask and weapon, he looked like a monster, angry and reckless. I started trying to understand what was happening to me. Soon I knew we were alone. All others ran from the scene, I was the fool who was in love with the man. I didn’t know how, but I knew that he was hurt. Like a wounded animal, all he was doing was lashing out, to protect himself. “Kylo!”

    Like a flame blown out on a match, the chaos seemed to stop. His strong back was to me and his fist stayed around the blade. I watched the light on the saber as he breathed heavily. I didn’t know what he would do to be honest. But I stepped forward anyway.

    The saber extinguished and Kylo fell to his knees. His breath was still heavy as I knelt next to him. I didn’t know what to say or do. I wasn’t sure if touching him would be wise. Hell being near him at that point was walking on the edge, but...I had to do something. “Kylo?” Is all I could say.

    His mask looked up at me. I couldn’t read him. Then I asked. “What do you want to do? I’m here. I can take you back to your quarters. If you want…”

    He nodded and grabbed my hand. I led him through the ship, anyone who had seen him turned the other direction. Word spread terribly fast on this ship. Once we got to his door, I let him go. “I can go in with you, if you want. We can talk. Or I could leave, so you can calm down.”

    Kylo said only word as the door opened. “Stay.”

    I felt my heartbreak for him as I heard it. Even through the modulator, I could hear the pain in his voice. I followed him into the familiar space.

    I watched him take off his mask as I slowly approached him. He turned towards me but kept his eyes trained to the floor. I pressed my hands to his cheeks and looked into his tired, red eyes. One of his hands pressed onto mine against his face while the other went to my own cheek.

    Then words started spilling from my mouth. “You’re okay, you’re safe here. I know that you were angry. It’s okay to be angry. But...I’m here for you.” His eyes closed as a few tears came down from his eyes to my fingertips. I couldn’t help my own tears well in my eyes. “You don’t have to be ashamed of anything. You can talk to me. Vent. Or if you don’t want to talk at all. That’s okay too. I’m not going anywhere Kylo. Not until I know your okay.”

    We stood there for a little while longer as his breathing calmed down. We ended up on his couch in the comfortable silence for a while. He had taken off his outer layers and I took off my boots. He hardly spoke a word, but didn’t want to be away from me for too long, even in the next room.

    We watched the stars for a long time as the night went on. We sat close to each other. My head on his shoulder and his hand clutching to mine. My mind drifted as I fell asleep listening to his steady breathing.

 

….

 

    I woke up in the middle of the night cycle, but not on the couch with Kylo. I was in a large bed. Much larger than mine. I was tucked into a soft comforter and my head rested on the fluffiest pillows I had ever felt. And to the right of me was a large view port of the stars. Then I realized where I must have been.

    Of all the times I’ve been in his quarters, I had never seen his bedroom. From the light of the stars I could make out somethings. It was still black, much like the rest of the place, but it seemed almost cozier. He had a desk that was neatly organized with a pen and ink. He also had various old books and texts in a black book shelf. I looked at his nightstands to see them made of black wood and carved with ornate details.

    _Kylo let me have his bed. He carried me to bed_. Then I realized I was still in my scrubs. He had taken off my boots but that was it. _Forever that gentleman_. I smiled at the thought.

    I peeled off the comforter and walked quietly towards the door of the living room. It was left a jar and I could see Kylo sleeping, or at least resting unconsciously. He was far too tall for it. He had a simple throw over him and his feet were draped over the armrest, while he had a single pillow to rest his head on the other.

    He was shirtless. My stars he was an attractive man. I had seen him shirtless before of course, after all that time spent stitching and caring for him, but damn he was ripped. Then he rolled over subconsciously. Thank goodness he wasn’t awake, but I looked away in embarrassment.

    I turned back to the bed and argued with myself on whether or not I should stay. Kylo never made me leave. He could have woken me up and asked. I was his guest. But it might have been rude of me to stay and have him sleep on the couch the whole night. It might have been rude of me to leave in the middle of the night.

    Then I remembered what I said to Kylo, I wouldn’t leave until I knew he was alright. _He couldn’t verbally say it right now_. I looked back and smiled at the man. _It would be nice to see him in the morning before I left for work_.

    I crawled back into the big bed, opting out of waking Kylo, and took off my watch. I set an alarm for my usual 0800. I would have two hours to get ready for work, perfect amount of time to leave, get back to my own quarters, shower and change.

    I snuggled into the comforter. It reeked of Kylo. A sweet, musky smell with a hint of what I thought were trees. It saturated my nose as I took a quick whiff in the pillow.

    That’s when I thought about the situation I was in. It made a pit in my stomach. _I could never have_ _this_. I couldn’t snuggle up next to him in bed and whisper sweet nothings to each other. We couldn’t go to dates at someWhat decent restaurants and hold hands across the table. We couldn’t have that life that I seemed to be dreaming more and more about. I let a few tears fall and I squeezed his pillow more. _I don’t even know if he reciprocates this_! I thought. _What if this just leads me on to just completely destroy me? What if it already is_?

    I had never felt more alone in my life laying in the bed of the man I loved, knowing that I couldn’t change anything. Then I heard the ajar door open. I wiped my face and sat up. I blinked a few times to see Kylo staring at me. “Kylo?” My voice was hoarse from sleep.

    “I can’t sleep for shit on that couch. Can I just crawl in with you?”

    I had to remember to speak, to breathe even, “Yeah...yeah of course.” As I watched him go on the other side of the bed and crawl in, somehow the pit in my stomach went away and all my thoughts had quieted. Somehow, Kylo had a calming effect on me.

    I turned on my side to face him as he laid down. He stared at the ceiling for a moment and closed his eyes. I adjusted as I stared at his face in the starlight. His pale skin almost flowed as my eyelids become heavy. He looked almost ethereal. He was a beautiful man that not many let see, and I was so, so grateful to be one of them. Then I spoke softly, “y’know you could have let me sleep on the couch? You didn’t have to let me take the bed.”

    “Yeah. I know. But my mother would have killed me if I did.” He smiled at that.

    “Sounds like she raised you to be a gentleman.”

    “Yeah...she had to, otherwise I would have ended up like my father.”

    “You never told me what they were really like.”

    He frowned. “I don’t like to talk about them.”

    I nodded. “I shouldn’t have said something...I’m sorry.”

    “No, it’s okay. They...they are good people, I guess. Just not good parents.”

    He spoke slowly as he stared at the ceiling, almost entranced as he told me about them. “My mother...she kind and a leader. She helped a lot of people. My father...to say the least he was a scoundrel. A smuggler. But...the good memories I had with him was when he taught me how to fly. He always said I was a natural at it. They were always too busy for me with their respective careers, eventually so much so they sent me away. And now with where I am and what I do...I have zero connection with them anymore.”

    I thought for a moment of what to say. “ Just because their your blood...you owe them anything. We don’t choose our family, but if we’re lucky...we can find some of our own.” He smiled softly and closed his eyes. “Goodnight Ky.” I said as my eyes grew heavy again.

    “Ky hmn?”

    “Yeah. Ky. It’s a lot more fun say.” I said as I smiled sleepily.

    “Goodnight then _Star_.”

    “Star?”

    “Yeah, Star. Has a nice ring to it don’t you think.”

    I hummed a response before finally falling back to sleep.

   

 


	17. Leaving the Finalizer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new opportunity arises, but I must make a choice. Go forward with my career or stay with Kylo?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! I know I haven’t updated for a bit, but summer is in full swing for me and I have quite a bit going on with some renovations. I haven’t forgotten this story yet! It’s going to get there I promise just keep trucking on! -Indigo

  
  


_           “The Pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again.” -Charles Dickens  _

  
  
  
  
  


Three Months Later

 

        I walked into work like a normal morning. I wasn’t late for once and I sipped on my caff in the early morning shift. The only thing that was different was General Hux waiting in front of the Nurses station. 

         “General Hux?” 

         “Good morning Doctor.” 

         “Is something wrong? I don’t normally see you in here.” 

         He actually seemed pleasant for once. “I wanted to speak with you and your supervisor this morning.” 

         I smiled politely. “Of course.” I turned towards the nurse. “Is Doctor Wichita in yet?” 

          “He’s in his office.” The nurse quietly replied. 

          “Right this way then.” I led him through the back offices of the medbay as I tried to figure out why the hell he would want to speak with me.  _ Was it the Valdorians? Was it about Kylo? Stars please let it be not about Kylo _ . Then I knocked on Wichita’s door. “Morning. Umm...General Hux wishes to speak with us.” I said as I opened it. 

The Twi’lek gestured for us to come in and we sat down. Knots  were forming in my stomach as I listened to Hux speak. “As you know she is the finest doctor we have on the ship, so she has drummed up interest in a mission that could use her.” 

“What kind of mission?” Wichita asked. 

“She would be sent to the latest of new outposts we are creating as a lead doctor for the medics for up to six months. Her skills would be of excellent use and I couldn’t recommend anyone better.” 

I blinked at the man registering what he was saying. “You’re going to promote me?” 

He smirked slightly, the closest I’ve ever seen to a smile. “Yes. You would be sent to Endor to work closely with Admiral Illeron. He is pulling back together an old Imperial post that would be of good civilian use for the First Order. And they are in need of a medical unit with experience in the field.” 

I was honestly in shock.  _ They wanted me _ ? I would have to leave my home in the stars. I would have to leave Kylo. My heart dropped. “I’ll...I’ll have to think about it.” 

“Think about it? What’s there to think about?” 

“Hux, Sir, this is a great opportunity. I just need to assess it is all. I’m very happy here and this mission would be a big change, I just want to make sure I make the right choice. 

“This opportunity won’t be here for long.” Hux said coldly. 

“I will get you answer in the morning.” 

 

….

 

I messaged Kylo almost immediately after. 

**Come to my quarters after my shift is over? I need to speak with you** . Then I sent it out. 

About an hour later, filling out some paperwork, was when Mara walked bubbly over to me. “You won’t believe what just what happened!” 

“What?” 

“I’m going on a mission with you!” 

“What?” 

“Well if you actually except the promotion, but General Hux asked me to go with you as your second.” 

I smiled. It was one less thing to worry about if I took the promotion, but I knew it was barley an If. When it came to Hux, he never took no for an answer. I was 99% sure that I was going to Endor, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. “That’s amazing Mara.” 

“Have you figured out if you accepted or not? I thought you would have jumped on the chance if you got the opportunity?” 

“It’s just a lot to take in at the moment. I wanted time to think, and...and to talk with Kylo.” 

Mara frowned. She knew almost intimately what I felt about him. “Whatever happens, you should do what you think is right for you honey. You shouldn’t give up this opportunity for some guy.” 

“I know. And he isn’t  _ some guy _ .” 

“I know, but...maybe this will be good. Give him a chance to _finally_ figure out what he’s missing.” 

I giggled. I thought that he knew. Kylo was never one to hold back when it came to what he wanted, but he might have known what the consequences would be if we ever got together. I never told Mara that. “I’m going to talk with him tonight. Hux is not a man who gets told  _ no _ about this kind of thing. Kylo will understand.” 

She smiled again. “These next six months will be amazing! You’ll see  _ boss lady _ .” 

“You’re not going to call me that are you?

“Yes I am so you better get used to it.” I laughed as she walked away to another patient. 

 

….

 

I was sitting on my couch as Kylo knocked on my door. I let him in, and within seconds he took off his mask, and asked, “what’s going on?” 

We sat down, and I started speaking. “Hux came to work this morning.”

“Did he do something to you?” He asked with a little fear, but mostly anger in his voice. 

“What? No, he spoke with me and Wichita.”

“Why?”

“There’s a new outpost their working on and he wants to promote me as the head doctor there on a six month mission to Endor.” 

“What did you say?” He asked with the worry on his face unwavering. 

“I asked for a day to think about it but...you know Hux. I can’t really say no.” 

His shoulders dropped. I knew that this wasn’t what either of us wanted. It was left unspoken between us, but it was somehow clear. We didn’t want to be away from each other, but we knew that this had to happen. 

“When do you leave?” 

“In a few days, Mara is going with me. So I won’t be alone, but…” 

“I’m going to miss you too.” He smirked a little. “But you have this amazing opportunity. You should go for it.” 

“I don’t want to leave you. You’re...Ky you’re like family to me now. I don’t want it to change.” 

He grasped my hand and said, “it won’t. Because you’re my family too. I can’t give that up. Not ever.” 

I smiled at that. I was so happy to have his support in this. It would be awhile before we would see one another again, but the kind person I knew would support me regardless. “It’s only  _ six _ months. I bet it’ll fly right by.” 

There was something about the way his face changed, it seemed like he was holding back with me. “Ky? Is there something wrong?” 

“It’s just...I’m really going to miss you.” I knew that wasn’t it, but I couldn’t push. The situation was tough as it was, I didn't want to make things worse. 

I smiled. “We could always run away. Leave without saying a word. Then no can tell me or you what to do ever again.” 

He chuckled. “You sound like one of those old romantic holos my mother use to watch.” 

I laughed. “I do not!” Pretending to scoff. He laughed at my terrible acting. 

“Hungry?” 

“Starving. I could use a glass of wine too.” 

“Those are the side effects of being around Hux for two long.” We both giggles at the thought, knowing it to be true. 

I pulled out some Corosauntian Wine that Lena sent me and ordered some food. We went back to just talking as we normally would. Kylo was telling me about Devals first mission back. “You wouldn’t think he had lost it. He’s done very well. Fighting even harder than before, thanks to you.” 

“I wouldn’t thank me for cutting off his leg.” 

“For saving his life.” 

“I help people everyday, I’m not much of a hero.” 

“No one is a true hero. Not to standards of holos or operas or books. Their fictional for a reason. People help people sometimes. And sometimes someone saves a life and changes that person forever. That’s what you did him. What you did for me.” 

I smiled. “I’m happy that he’s doing well. I hope to him to see him sometime.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “Why’s that?” 

“I like to follow up with my patients. Especially after a trauma like  _ that _ .” I looked him up and down.  _ Was this jealousy _ ? I couldn't hold back a smirk. “You have a problem with that?” 

“No of course not.” 

“You sure?” 

He was quiet for a moment with a smirk on his face. “Yes I’m sure.” 

I dropped the smile from my face with a quick realization. “I’m going to miss  _ this _ .” 

“I know.” 

“At least we have the next few days.” 

“True.” 

“yeah I’m planning on eating everything off of executive menu from now till I leave.” 

He laughed. “Yeah I bet that will be the thing you miss most about this place.” 

“Well...it’s the second.” We smiled sadly at one another. The pain in each others eyes was enough to invoke a few tears, but neither of us wanted to speak of it.

….   
  


A few days later, with the acceptance of the offer, Mara, nurse Bek, and I were getting boarded a shuttle within the hour. I was in my quarters making my final packing as well as waiting for Kylo to say goodbye. I fought back tears as I gripped my father’s scarf. 

It was breaking my heart to be away from not only Kylo, but my home here. It was safe. Nothing seemed to be able to take down the giant that floated in a sea of stars, and I was leaving it for who knows how long. Then I heard Kylo let himself in my quarters. 

“It’s time to go, Star.” He simply said. 

I nodded quietly as I stared at my bags. My holster was strapped to my side and I fiddled with the scarf in my hands. “Ky?” 

“Yes?” 

I turned to him and gave him a hug. He instinctively wrapped his arms around me. We just held each other for a long time. Listening to leveled breaths. Heartbeats following the tempo of the other. Neither of us wanted to let go. 

Kylo was the first to pull back. “I have something for you.” He pulled out a small circular, silver device. “It’s a long distance comm. Brand new technology still being developed. We have a private channel that we can only use. Call me whenever you want. If I don’t answer I’ll call back. I promise.” I smiled at him as I held the device in my hand. It was a connect. Albeit small. It was enough. 

“I have something for you too.” I took his gloved hand and placed my red scarf in his. “I want you to have this.” 

“I can’t take this. It was-“ 

“I’m having you borrow it. As crazy as it sounds, it kept my father and I safe all those years on Tatooine, and, hopefully, it will keep you safe too. Plus it gives me a solid excuse to come back.” 

He smirked at me. “You better.” 

He pulled me back to another hug and I let a few tears fall from my eyes. I breathed in his scent like it would be the last time I could have it flood my senses. The thought made my heart pound. What if it was the last time?  _ What if something happens to one of us? _

Then those thoughts suddenly melted away as Kylo’s hand stroked the back of my head. It’s calming effect only made me crave more of him. The craving I could never indulge. 

The next thing I knew, Kylo walked me back to the Shuttle bay. He watched me in silence board the ship, and from my window seat I watched him stand there in a silent goodbye with a bit of red peeking out in his closed fist. I gripped the little comm tightly in my hand as we jumped into hyperspace, knowing that I was away from Kylo. It broke my heart. But...I had hope. I knew I would see him again, and I hoped, for a moment, that we would someday be together. 

But that seemed so foolish to me at the time. Hopeing for a real love was like watching a cheesy romantic holo. Little did I know that my mind would soon change about having those kind of hopes for the universe had very different plans. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought that Charles Dickens quote would be perfect, but all I want to do now is find a way to say “the dickens” in perfect context.


	18. Endor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My first day at the new Endor base was anything but smooth, but hell thats my job. Maybe a comm call with Kylo can help calm my nerves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiiiiiii! I know Ive been gone for a while now and I feel sooooo bad! I missed this story so much and school had gotten the best of me. I’ve been stuck on this chapter for a while now and I finally cracked it. And I kind of decided to switch up my plan. As you may have seen when clicking on this listing, it’s now part of a series. The chapters I was planning were getting so elaborate and I decided that it would be best to split the story into two parts. Or maybe three if I want to. So I’m back btw. Also! So excited for the new movie! I just can’t wait, but! I do have to say that this story will not be canon compliant with the new movie. I have the story mostly written between my notes and in my head, and I didn’t really think of it, soooo after Kylo becomes *spoilers* Supreme Leader, the story really goes to a whole other cannon. Anyways now that I have rambled on, enjoy! And man I’m glad I’m back! (If you get that obscure AVPM reference I love you!)- Indigo

 

    _“I still don't know how to look at my life without seeing an inescapable absence of you.”    -Chloë Frayne_

  
  
  
  


    The first sense that hit me when I arrived on Endor was the smell. It was fresh of pine and rain. It was refreshing from the steril air of the ship. It was a cool, early morning and fog still lingered around the landing clearing. 

    Mara and I stood side by side as we took our first steps on the Endorian soil. Beck followed closely behind, “I haven’t seen so much green in a long time.” 

    “I haven't seen this much _ever_. Can it really be this vibrant?” I asked in my excitement. Despite what I left, and who I left behind, there was the adventuring type in me that was filled with anticipation. 

    Then we saw a First Order party approached us. And Admiral followed by several lower ranking offices walked quickly towards us as the shuttle roared to life behind us. It was already getting ready to take off to leave us. 

    “Admiral Illeron.” I greeted. 

    We exchanged introductions as we strolled towards the encampment. “The medical unit has only been run by our three medics and that are certainly grateful to have your presence Doctors. Your other nurses of your team arrived yesterday with another doctor to your command.” 

    “I can't wait to meet them. How is the state of medward as of now?” We arrived at the entrance of the small outpost. A few metal and wooden buildings were either complete or in the process of being built, and there were also several large tents that stood towards the side where the old Imperial base entrance stood. 

    “Well the medical tent is all we have before we can get the medical bay up and running. It has been set back unfortunately.” 

    “Why is that Admiral?” 

    “Doctor there is nothing to worry about-“ 

    “Sir, with all due respect,I just want to know what’s going on with my medbay. I don’t think it would be wise to be running it in a tent during my time here.” He reminded me of Hux with his pulled back face of disgust.” 

    “Unfortunately we had unforeseen damage caused by a recent attack on the outpost.” 

    “An attack? I thought this was supposed to be a civilian outpost.” Mara asked. 

    “it is. But the locals see it otherwise.” 

    “Locals sir?” I asked. 

    “Ewoks.” He said ‘a matter of factly. 

    “Alright then.” He lead the group while I whispered to Mara, “We have already angered the native people. You sure this is still a great idea?” 

    She chuckled, and whispered back. “I’m sure it will resolve soon. You’re doing great!” 

    Then we found the medical tent. It was quite large and the sides were lined with cots. We were greeted by the rest of the medical team. Being in the room of medical professionals assured me that we could do this, but I was still worried about my position as their leader. “Admiral? Where is the administrative assistant that I requested?” 

    “Lieutenant Tulsa will be at your service.” He gestured one of the officers in his entourage. A short young woman with blonde hair. Then she dropped a stack of papers in my hand. 

    “What’s this?” 

    “Charts, ma’am, of the current patients.” She quickly replied. 

    I tried to keep the disgust of seeing old fashion paper charts from my face. “Good. Let’s get to work straight away on these after we get some rest.” 

    The lieutenant’s face fell as she said, “ma’am these are the patients you need to assign right now to be seen. I have the rest here for you to look at as well.” She had an even larger stack in her other hand.” 

    “Of course. Let’s get started then.” 

 

….

    After a sprained ankle, a case of the cold, and several other minor medical inquiries, I finally had a moment to find my way to my quarters. Though Tulsa offered to show my the way, I just asked for directions and I got some time for myself. The forested area had a unique quality that I couldn’t quite put my finger on, but I enjoyed the brisk walk even as the rain started to drizzle. That’s when I found my quarters.   
 

    The cabin was one of the older ones to say the least. It had indoor plumbing thankfully and something of a working generator. The walls were painted a white on the inside, but time had made it into a distressed cream. It’s bedroom and living room were separated by one wall. A scratched up, wooden desk sat in the corner and an old couch that had seen better days was up against the wall. 

    I let my bag drop from my hand to the floor as I let out a single sigh. “Home sweet home.” I took the papers and charts and put them on top of the desk. I rubbed my face as I absentmindedly put my hand in my coat pocket. I felt cool metal of the comm Kylo gave me. 

    A smile rested on my tired face. I pulled it out and held it close to my chest. I wanted to send him a message to ‘come and get me’ so badly. I missed him that much. I missed his eyes, his voice, his hugs. I missed all of him. And yet…I put down the comm on the desk and turned to look for a bed. 

    I walked into the bedroom. It was half the size of the living room and was connected to the bathroom. A full bed sat against the wall and had a stack of white linens and a patched quilt folded neatly on the bare mattress. _They couldn’t even make my bed for me_? I sighed to myself as I threw off my coat and proceeded to unfold sheets. 

    Finally after a few minutes my bed was made, and I wasted no time climbing in. I took off my pants and boots and crawled in. It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep. 

 

….

  


    Red. All I could see was red lights in the sky. I stared at them while horror carved into my face in a silent scream. Then I looked to my left. Kylo stood in the command center of the finalizer staring at the beams behind his mask. 

    “Kylo!” I ran to him and tried to reach him. “Ky stop this please!” 

    He couldn’t hear me and notice when I grabbed his arm. He just turned in the other direction and walked away. “Kylo? Kylo wait!”

    I ran after him in the dark ship. And when I finally caught up with him, I grabbed his cold, gloves hand. His head turned to look back at me, his face still hidden behind the cold mask. My breath was shaky as I said, “Kylo you have stop this. People are dying. I can’t...I can’t…”

    “No one can stop it.” He simply said. Then with a blink of a tearful eye, he was gone. My heart was crushed as I screamed for him. I woke and sat up in a cold sweat in my bed. It was still dark and rain started to calm against my window. 

    I pressed my hands to my face and felt wetness on my cheeks. My breath was still shaky. I checked my watch on the nightstand. It was 4 in the morning Endor time. Roughly 7 in the morning on the finalizer. _Kylo could be awake_. 

    Then as if fate had read my thoughts, I heard the comm going off in the next room. I threw my covers off me and walked as fast as my still waking up legs could carry me. “Ky?” I asked after I pressed the button. 

    “Star.” I breathed through the speaker. I could tell he was smiling.” 

    My voice was still groggy as I spoke with him, but in my relief of hearing his voice I didn’t care. “It’s so good to hear from you. I was wondering if I should’ve called you or not.” 

    “I was going to leave you a voice message. Why are you awake? It’s 0400 over there.” 

    I shifted in the spot I stood. “I...I had another nightmare.” 

    “How long has it been since the last one?” He asked concerned. 

    “It's been a few weeks. It was so scary Kylo.” 

    “What was it about?” 

    I bit my lip. “It was part of the vision again, except...you were in it.” 

    Kylo went quiet for a moment thinking. I held my breath as he asked me to tell him more, so I did. I made some caff and started talking. I brought the comm and the cup to my bed and curled up talking with him. 

    We fell back to talking as if we were back in his quarters again just talking and staring at the stars. I missed him so much and I was barely gone for a day. All I could think to myself was how the hell was I going to get through this? I had to. I just had no other choice. 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you guys!

**Author's Note:**

> Im so fond of the doctor!reader stories with Kylo! Will try to post as much as I can! Stay tuned! -indigo


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